Exploring Emotions & Communication: Jealousy, Anger, & Emotional Intelligence - Prof. S. P, Study notes of Communication

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The dark side of communication  Bullying o “particular form of conflict where abuse is persistent and the person being bullied finds it difficult on himself or herself” o 15-50% involved o Communication behaviors consistent with bullying  Isolating, ignoring  Nitpicking or excessively criticizing  Humiliating o How do we combat?  Bully back  Talk to superior, be consistent and clear, do not add things to your story  Jealous o Emotion and typically refers to negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity o An interpersonal pain o How does the universality of emotion affect relationships? o Some jealousy is healthy  Can see how you can improve yourself, strengthen relationships o Eckman-discreet emotions  Jealousy is made up of these  Anger, disgust, sadness  Anger o Strong emotion, feeling that is oriented toward some real or supposed grievance o Anger is an “interpersonal event” o Not showing enough or showing too much is unhealthy o Anger cluster - Rage, irritation, exasperation, disgust, envy, torment o Anger provocation  Identity management - One’s self-concept or public image is under attack  Aggression - Presence of some actual threat or harm  Frustration - Goal, interference; violation of expectations  Fairness - Inequality/lack of fairness  Incompetence - Due to ignorance, or egocentric motives  Relationship threat - Jealousy, unfaithfulness, betrayal  Predispositions - Experience, stress, fatigue, alcoholism, behavior (inborn)  General reaction - aggression- related tendencies following negative affect  Aggression leads to anger o Prototypical responses to anger  Verbal attacks – obscenities, yelling  Physical attacks – hands/fists clenched, aggressive gestures, throwing things  Nonverbal disapproval – heavy walk, stomping, slamming doors, frowning, gritting teeth  Uneasiness – crying, feeling of nervousness, anxiety, and discomfort  Internal withdrawal – brooding, thinking: “I’m always right – others are wrong”  Avoidance – suppressing the anger  Silence – to keep from provoking other person  Not the same as brooding or avoidance Emotions  Emotional traits o Long-lasting emotions we have o “baseline emotions”

o Some people are always happy, some are always sad  Emotional states o More specific, short-lived o Happens with certain event o Being told a joke, laugh  Emotional contagion o Idea that we can “catch” each other’s emotions o Someone is happy, you may feel happy  1. Emotional experience o Feeling of emotions, or emotion we experience o Intrapersonal communication o How we talk to ourselves about emotion  2. Emotional communication o Where we talk about emotions o Describing our feelings - “it makes me sad when you don’t tell me good morning”  3. Communicating emotionally o Displaying our emotions o Allowing emotions to come out o Sad-cry, happy-jump and squeal  4. Effects o Way we communicate, display, describe, etc. have effects on our relationships o Try to communicate to help our relationships o Debilitative  Emotions are harmful to our relationships  Angry – yell at someone, may hurt them o Facilitative  Emotion is helpful or beneficial to our relationship  Feeling connection with someone  Anger, parent yelling at child o No good or bad debilitative or facilitative emotions o Cooping  What to do in relationship  Remove emotion from problem  Change the way we interpret situation  When its not appropriate to display emotions o Society expectations - ok for a girl to cry, not ok for a boy o Issue of vulnerability - Don’t want to let someone know how upset you are o Benefit other people - Want to protect other people, hide emotion o Professional roles - Keep emotions in check for professional standards  Firefighter saving a house  Emotional intelligence o Reflectively regulating – open and monitor emotions o Understanding emotions – can you label and interpret emotions o Assimilating emotions into thought – connect emotions with thought o Perceiving and expressing – can you perceive/understand others emotions? Can you express emotions? Listening  Difference between hearing and listening o Hearing – psychological process

o Listening  More than hearing  Hearing is part of listening  Interpret and understand what we hear and see  Have to work on, something not done well all the time  1. Receiving o Physically hearing o Things can get in way  External obstacles - Noise, physical noise  Info/message overload - Someone talking, music playing, someone yelling  Message complexity - Hard to follow complex message o Not automatic thing, has problems  2. Responding o When we listen, have to respond o Skillful listeners give feedback o Feedback types  Positive or negative  Positive tells the speaker “you’re on the right track, we’re following”  Negative tells the speaker you are lost/not following  Person/message focused  Person feedback is about person  Message feedback is about messaged  Immediate/delayed  Immediate happens automatically  Delayed has a time period  Low or high monitor  Low – honest, quick, no censor (honest opinion)  High – spend time creating message or feedback  Supportive or critical  Supportive – supports us our message  Critical – has some form of judgment  3. Remembering or recalling o Important especially in relationship o 3 R’s  Record – helps to remember  Repeat – repeat name when you meet someone  Reorganization (chunk) – come up with sayings for notes when studying  HOMES – five great lakes  4. Rating o Critically analysis information o Internal obstacles  Preoccupation – day dreaming  Prejudgment – or second guess  Try to finish someone else’s story  Lack of effort – tired, don’t like person  Types o People-centered – try to understand people o Action-centered – looking for organized o Content-centered –focused on facts or details  Ask questions

o Time centered – looking for quick message o How quick message can get out Conflict  Some sort of incompatible goal/issue in a relationship  Conflict object o Have to understand to know what conflict is o It’s inevitable o Not all conflict is bad  Lost of self disclosure  Managed effectively, relationship can grow  In order for conflict to exist: o 1. Expressed disagreement  Conflict does not exist until disagreement is communicated  Can be done verbally or nonverbally  Overt way – “I’m angry, here’s why”  Covert way – hide anger, use nonverbal  Passive aggressive – say something that hints at anger o 2. Interdependence  We have relationship with “person who cuts you off in traffic” o 3. Need to resolve  No true conflict unless you want to resolve  Don’t resolve conflict, can damage relationship  Types of conflict o 1. Simple – basic conflicts we have, over a specific conflict issue  Image, content of message, value, relational  Serial – same issue, fight over repeatedly o 2. Pseudo conflict  Communication misunderstanding  Quick to resolve o 3. Ego conflicts  Take conflict, move away from conflict object and becomes personal  Want to see two different movies  Can harm relationships, hardest to resolve  Process o 1. Prior conditions – experiences we have before hand o 2. Frustration awareness – start to realize disagreement, before expressing o 3. Active conflict – have to express frustration  Enter into conflict stage o 4. Resolution – sometimes may take a long time o 5. Follow up – one of the most important  How you deal with it after conflict  Big fight o Romantic relationships o Look at before, after, and during o Establishes code of conduct o If taken to ego conflict, next there is a fight, it is taken to ego conflict o Resolution and follow up are very important  Game theory o Have to think about how it effects other person

o Helps us understand conflict o Win/win – helps you and other person o Lose/lose – hinders you and other person o Win/lose – one person is helped and the other is hindered  Orientation o 1. Exit – walk away from conflict and relationship o 2. Neglect – deny problem or minimizes it o 3. Loyalty – our commitment to relationship, we avoid conflict  Can become problem o 4. Voice – address conflict directly and manage it  Thomas and Kilman o Conflict styles  1. Avoid – low concern for self and others  2. Accommodate – low self, high other  Bad – end up exploding  Win-lose situation  3. Compete – high concern for self, low for others  Win-lose  4. Compromise – in the middle somewhere  Technically lose-lose  Both give up something  Have to know conflict object  5. Collaborate – trying to find solution that is best for both parties o Need to know all five types and know which ones to use Deception  Can you tell if someone is lying? o Looking at nonverbal/verbal communication o Hard to tell with nonverbal alone although people think they can  Eckman - Looks at micro expressions  Deception can be very damaging to our relationships  Eckman’s defines lying as: one person intending to mislead another doing so deliberately without prior notification and without being asked to do so  Types of lies o 1. Benevolent – “little white lies”  May tell to not damage relationship o 2. Malicious – lies that are harmful to our relationship; can hurt or damage our relationship  Ways people lie (concealing) o 1. Concealment – tell lie and leave some info out  Understatement – don’t hint at the whole truth o 2. Falsifying – prove false information; takes concealing a step further  Understatement – play down and give false information  Exaggerate – give too much info and giving false info  Equivocation – purposefully ambiguous  Motives – reasons why people lie o 1. Partner-focused – don’t want to hurt the feelings of another person  Want to protect them o 2. Self-focused – to benefit self o 3. Relationship focused – trying to limit the damage of the relationship

 Tim Levine o Professor that studies deception o Says there is no sure way to tell if people are lying o Says it is false that we can tell better if they are lying if they are close to us/family  We have a truth-biased o We tend to assume people are being honest with us if we are in a relationship with built trust  Can we be better at determining if deception exists?  There are verbal strategies we can use  Verbal strategies tend to be better at helping us  Determine deception o 1. Intimidation – can use it to get people to tell the truth o 2. Discomfort and relief – playing on the fact that people feel bad, stressed, etc. when lying and can be relieved by telling the truth o 3. Bluffing – pretending that you know the truth, calling out their bluff o 4. Gentle prod – ask little questions that take little steps to getting to the truth o 5. Minimization – minimizing the deception offer face saving or identity management to person telling the lie  Get them to tell the truth and say its no big deal/won’t hold it against them o 6. Contradiction – try to point out contradiction or inconsistency in someone’s story o 7. Alternate information – tell a lie to trick someone into telling us the truth but relieve later o 8. Deception cues – point out deceptive cues o 9. Concern – tell person that you’re concerned about their lying o 10. Direct approach – directly ask if their lying or say their lying and tell them to tell the truth o 11. Silence – people try to talk more to convince you if they see you are quiet and really don’t believe them or are upset  They can dig themselves a bigger hole Chapter 7  Defining emotion: more than just a feeling o Involves one person (like anger, fear, anxiety, happiness, and so forth) o Emotions we feel in relationships with others like envy and love o Real and manufactured feelings  i.e. manufactured – smiling at work when having a bad day. Also called emotion labor o emotion – the critical internal structure that orients us to, and engages us with, what matters in our lives: our feelings about ourselves and others  explaining emotion: biology and social interaction o the biological theory of emotion  emotion is mainly biological, related to instinct and energy  people from variety of cultures should experience feelings in the same manner  emotion exists separately from thought  emotion is our experience of the body ready for an imaginary action  people enact gestures as a result of experiencing emotion and when people enact a certain gesture, they experience the related emotion o the social interaction theory of emotion  how people interact with their social situation before, during, and after experience of emotion

 focuses on how the reactions of others to our gestures help us define what we are feeling  the dark side of emotional communication o embarrassment, guilt, hurt, jealousy, anger, depression, and loneliness o hurtful messages  hurtful messages phrased humorously were perceived as less intentionally hurtful and thus caused fewer wounded feelings o schadenfreude – to take pleasure in another’s misfortune  comes from the words damage and joy  was used to describe how many people felt when they saw Martha Stewart’s image tarnished by her suspected involvement with insider trading  public’s fascination with the problems of young celebrities such as Lindsey Lohan and Brittney Spears  the bright side of communication o offers comfort, social support, warmth, affection, forgiveness, or desire o does not present simplistic picture o trying to stay positive in a tough time  daughter coming to terms with mother’s cancer o interdependence of the bright and dark sides of emotion: hate, grief, fear, forgiveness, love, joy  choices for developing emotional communication skills o competence in expressing emotion and in listening and responding to the emotional communication of others is critical to your success as an interpersonal communicator o know your feelings  recognizing your emotion  establishing that you are stating an emotion  creating a statement that identifies why you are feeling the emotion o analyze the situation o own your feelings o reframe when needed - to change something that has a negative connotation to something with a more positive connotation o empathize Chapter 6  difference between hearing and listening o Hearing – the physical process of letting in audible stimuli without focusing on the stimuli o Working memory theory – a theory that states that we can pay attention to several stimuli and simultaneously store stimuli for future references o Processing and storage is done simultaneously and all of it is conducted at the point in the communication process that we call hearing o Listening – the dynamic, transactional process of receiving, recalling, rating, and responding to stimuli, messages, or both o Four R’s of listening  Receiving – the verbal and nonverbal acknowledgment of a message  Mindless – being unaware of the stimuli around us  Responding – providing observable feedback to a sender’s message  Recalling – understanding a message, storing it for future encounters, and remembering it later  Chunking – placing pieces of info into manageable and retrievable sets

 Rating – evaluating or assessing a message  Opinion – a view, judgment or appraisal based on our beliefs or values o Importance of listening  An ongoing interpersonal activity that requires lifelong training  Employers rank listening as the most important skill on the job  Good listening is considered to be the “doorway to leadership, for every executive, manager, and supervisor”  Important for medical students  Associated with more positive teacher-student relationships  Intimacy level between two friends is related to listening skills o The barriers: Why we don’t listen  Noise – physical, semantic, psychological  Marcy tries to listen to Nick’s comments, but his racist words cause her to stop listening  Message overload – the result when senders receive more messages than they can process  Multitasking – the simultaneous performance of two or more tasks.  Message complexity – messages we receive that are filled with details, unfamiliar language, and challenging arguments are hard to understand  Lack of training – more can be done to learn about listening  Preoccupation  Conversational narcissism – engaging in an extreme amount of self- focusing during a conversation, to the exclusion of another person  Listening gap – the time difference between our mental ability to interpret words ant the speed at which they arrive at our brain  Poor listening habits  Selective listening – responding to some parts of a message and rejecting others  Talkaholism – a compulsive talker who hogs the conversational stage and monopolizes encounters  Pseudolisten – to pretend to listen by nodding our heads, looking at the speaker, smiling at the appropriate times, or practicing other kinds of attention feigning  Gap filling – listeners who think they can correctly guess the rest of the story a speaker is telling and don’t need the speaker to continue  Defensive listening – viewing innocent comments as personal attacks or hostel criticisms  Ambushing – listening carefully to a message and then using the info later to attack the sender o Style of listening  People – centered listening style – a listening style associated with concern for other people’s feelings or emotions  Action-centered listening style – a listening style associated with listeners who want messages to be highly organized, concise, and error free  Second-guess – to question the assumptions underlying a message  Content-centered listening style – a listening style associated with listeners who focus on the facts and details of a message  Time-centered listening style – a listening style associated with listeners who want messages to be presented succinctly o Culture and the listening process

o Choices for effective listening  Evaluate your current skills  Prepare to listen  Provide empathic responses  Empathy – the process of identifying with or attempting to experience the thoughts, beliefs, and actions of another  Use nonjudgmental feedback  Feedback that describes another’s behavior and then explains how that behavior made us feel  Practicing active listening  Paraphrasing – restating the essence of a sender’s message in our own words  Dialogue – supporting statements such as “I see” or “I’m listening” that indicate we are involved in a message  Questions  Silence Chapter 9  Myths about conflict and communication o Not all conflict come from miscommunication or unclear communication, could come from disagreement o All conflicts can be resolved through good communication o Relational partners often believe that they simply need to communicate more to reach a mutually satisfying solution to their conflicts  Factors influencing interpersonal conflict o Gender and sex o Culture  Communication patterns in conflict o Symmetrical escalation – in a conflict, each party choosing to increase the intensity of the conflict o Symmetrical withdrawal – in a conflict, neither partner being willing to confront the other o Pursuit withdrawal – in a conflict, a pattern consisting of one party pressing for a discussion about a conflictual topic while the other party withdrawals o Withdrawal-pursuit – in a conflict, a pattern in which one party withdraws, which prompts the other party to pursue o Symmetrical negotiation – in a conflict, each party mirroring the other’s negotiating behaviors