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《Friends》剧本（第一季）
101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) [Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.] Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with! Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him! Chandler: All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? (They all stare, bemused.) Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh! Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex. Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. [Time Lapse] Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked. All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream. Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there. Joey: Instead of...? Chandler: That's right. Joey: Never had that dream. Phoebe: No. Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody starts looking at me. Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?! Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very weird, because- she never calls me! [Time Lapse, Ross has entered.] Ross: (mortified) Hi. Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself. Monica: Are you okay, sweetie? Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck... Chandler: Cookie? Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today. Joey: Ohh. Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee. Ross: Thanks.
Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in front of Ross.) Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay? Phoebe: Fine! Be murky! Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy. Monica: No you don't. Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me! Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian... Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know? Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud? Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well. Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren." was what? A wrong number? Ross: Sorry. Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is? (Ross gestures his consent.) Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some hormones! Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just- I just wanna be married again! (Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.) Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.) Monica: Rachel?! Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren't there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are! Waitress: Can I get you some coffee? Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you remember my brother Ross? Rachel: Hi, sure! Ross: Hi. (They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.) Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids? Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So anyway I just
Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible sound. Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul. Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30? Buzz him in! Joey: Who's Paul? Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul? Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy? Ross: He finally asked you out? Monica: Yes! Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel... Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine! Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do you want me to stay? Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good... Monica: (horrified) Really? Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine Guy! Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it, drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't know.) (There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.) Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, this is Paul. All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey! Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it? Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right back, I just gotta go ah, go ah... Ross: A wandering? Monica: Change! Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in) Two seconds. Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good. (Monica goes to change.) Joey: Hey, Paul! Paul: Yeah? Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot over and over and over again until it starts to get a little red. Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey! Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up to tonight? Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing! Ross: Right, you're not even getting your honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture. Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited about it. Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long day.
Ross: Okay, sure. Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help? Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to. Commercial Break [Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for change.] Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your love oh your love, your love...is like a giant pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la- (some guy gives her some change and to that guy) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh! [Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there assembling furniture.] Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs. (Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the bookcase.) Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here. Chandler: It's a beautiful thing. Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this? Chandler: I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped bracket. Joey: Which goes where? Chandler: I have no idea. (Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it in a plant.) Joey: Done with the bookcase! Chandler: All finished! Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the can, I should have known. Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with that stuff we're outta here. Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun. Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you get? Ross: You guys. Chandler: Oh, God. Joey: You got screwed. Chandler: Oh my God! [Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.] Monica: Oh my God! Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I should have caught on when she started going to the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how clean can teeth get? Monica: My brother's going through that right now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it? Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking something valuable of hers, say her- Monica: -leg?
Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God, oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry... Paul: It's okay... Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what you need right now. Um... how long? Paul: Two years. Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her watch! Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that fifth date? Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do. [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is watching Joanne Loves Chaci .] Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy matrimony. Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's the difference! [Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting around and talking.] Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you? Joey: Great story! But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date with Andrea--Angela--Andrea... Oh man, (looks to Chandler) Chandler: Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats. Joey: Right. Thanks. It's June. I'm outta here. (Exits.) Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.) [Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.] Commercial Break [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making coffee for Joey and Chandler.] Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never made coffee before in my entire life. Chandler: That is amazing. Joey: Congratulations. Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can make coffee, there isn't anything I can't do. Chandler: If can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do. Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make like a Western omelet or something... (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee, grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although actually I'm really not that hungry... Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh good, Lenny and Squigy are here. All: Morning. Good morning. Paul: (entering from Monica's room) Morning. Joey: Morning, Paul. Rachel: Hello, Paul. Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it? (Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low voice so the others can't hear. The others move Monica's table closer to the door so that they can.) Paul: Thank you! Thank you so much!
Monica: Stop! Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm, all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn raising scene in Witness. Monica: We'll talk later. Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits) Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do you do on a real date? Monica: Shut up, and put my table back. All: Okayyy! (They do so.) Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much of a difference... Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs? Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we buy stuff. Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor. Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything? Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work. Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the little theater in the park. Joey: Look, it was a job all right? Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.' Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave.) Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door.) " Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy... " Joey: You should both know, that he's a dead man. Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.) Monica: So how you doing today? Did you sleep okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling. Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you remember you and Tony DeMarco? Rachel: Oh, yeah. Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings. Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble. Monica: Big time! Rachel: Want a wedding dress? Hardly used. Monica: I think we are getting a little ahead of selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up, go to work and not think about him all day. Or else I'm just gonna get up and go to work. Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck! Monica: What for? Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job things. (Monica exits.) [Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie enters.] Frannie: Hey, Monica! Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Florida?
Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, cleaning windshields outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel. (Pause) Ross: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'... Monica: All right, you ready? Rachel: No. No, no, I'm not ready! How can I be ready? "Hey, Rach! You ready to jump out the airplane without your parachute?" Come on, I can't do this! Monica: You can, I know you can! Rachel: I don't think so. Ross: Come on, you made coffee! You can do anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now dead plant from that morning when he and Joey poured their coffee into it.) Ross: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,... All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one of them and they cheer.) Rachel: Y'know what? I think we can just leave it at that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture... Monica: Rachel! That was a library card! All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.. Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream. (She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.) Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. You're gonna love it! [Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the national anthem.] Monica: Well, that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash on the couch? Ross: No. No, I gotta go home sometime. Monica: You be okay? Ross: Yeah. Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the floor. (Monica smiles.) What? Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, everybody. Ross and Rachel: Goodnight. (Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her room.) Ross: Mmm. (They both reach for the last cookie) Oh, no- Rachel: Sorry- Ross: No no no, go- Rachel: No, you have it, really, I don't want it- Ross: Split it? Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Okay. (They split it.) You know you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a, um, major crush on you. Rachel: I knew. Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother. Rachel: I did. Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let my intense vulnerability become any kind of a factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I asked you out? Sometime? Maybe? Rachel: Yeah, maybe... Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will... Rachel: Goodnight. Ross: Goodnight. (Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the living room as Ross is leaving.) Monica: See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you? Ross: I just grabbed a spoon. (Ross exits and Monica has no idea what that means.) Closing Credits [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.] Joey: I can't believe what I'm hearing here. Phoebe: (sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing here... Monica: What? I-I said you had a- Phoebe: (sings) What I said you had... Monica: (to Phoebe) Would you stop? Phoebe: Oh, was I doing it again? All: Yes! Monica: I said that you had a nice butt, it's just not a great butt. Joey: Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit ya. Ross: There's an image. Rachel: (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would anybody like more coffee? Chandler: Did you make it, or are you just serving it? Rachel: I'm just serving it. All: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee. Chandler: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las Vegas. (Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's dream.) Customer: (To Rachel) Ahh, miss? More coffee? Rachel: Ugh. (To another customer that's leaving.) Excuse me, could you give this to that guy over there? (Hands him the coffee pot.) Go ahead. (He does so.) Thank you. (To the gang.) Sorry. Okay, Las Vegas. Chandler: Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza Minelli- End
102 The One With the Sonogram at the End [Scene Central Perk, everyone's there.]
Carol: I'm pregnant. Ross: Pregnant?! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are watching Three's Company .] Chandler: Oh, I think this is the episode of Three's Company where there's some kind of misunderstanding. Phoebe:...Then I've already seen this one! (Turns off the TV.) Monica: (taking a drink from Joey) Are you through with that? Joey: Yeah, sorry, the swallowing slowed me down. Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this?! Chandler: Oh, uh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, and then I realised I didn't need it, so I balled it up and... (sees that Monica is glaring at him) ...now I wish I was dead. (Monica starts to fluff a pillow.) Phoebe: She's already fluffed that pillow... Monica, you know, you've already fluffed that- (Monica glares at her.) -but, it's fine! Monica: Look , I'm sorry, guys, I just don't wanna give them any more ammunition than they already have. Chandler: Yes, and we all know how cruel a parent can be about the flatness of a child's pillow. Phoebe: Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly. And not-not in a good way. Joey: Yeah, calm down. You don't see Ross getting all chaotic and twirly every time they come. Monica: That's because as far as my parents are concerned, Ross can do no wrong. Y'see, he's the Prince. Apparently they had some big ceremony before I was born. Chandler: (looking out the window) Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew! Monica: What? Chandler: Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster! All: Eeaagh! (Rachel enters from her room.) Rachel: Has anybody seen my engagement ring? Phoebe: Yeah, it's beautiful. Rachel: Oh God, oh God, oh God oh God oh God oh God.... (Starts to look under the couch cushions.) Phoebe: No, look, don't touch that! Rachel: Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough, having to give it back to him... 'Hi Barry! Remember me? I'm the girl in the veil who stomped on your heart in front of your entire family!' Oh God and now I'm gonna have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it so much harder... Monica: Easy Rach, we'll find it. (To all) Won't we! Chandler and Joey: Oh! Yeah! Joey: Alright, when'd'ya have it on last?
Phoebe: Doy! Probably right before she lost it! Chandler: You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days... Rachel: I know I had it this morning, and I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with... Chandler: ...Dinah? Rachel: (looks at the lasagne and realizes something) Ohhhhh, don't be mad... Monica: You didn't. Rachel: Oh, I am sorry... Monica: I gave you one job! (Starts to examin the lasagne through the bottom of the glass pan.) Rachel: Oh, but look how straight those noodles are! Chandler: Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in a lasagne... Monica: (puts down the lasagne) I just... can't do it. Chandler: Boys? We're going in. (Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe start to pick through the lasagne as there's a knock on the door which Monica answers.) Ross: (standing outside the door).....Hi. Monica: Wow. That is not a happy hi. Ross: Carol's pregnant. Phoebe: (while everyone else is stunned) Ooh! I found it! Monica: W-w-wh-... wha-... w-w-w-... Ross: Yeah. Do that for another two hours, you might be where I am right about now. (He enters.) Chandler: Kinda puts that whole pillow thing in perspective, huh, Mon? Rachel: Well now, how-how do you fit into this whole thing? Ross: Well, Carol says she and Susan want me to be involved, but if I'm not comfortable with it, I don't have to be involved.. basically it's entirely up to me. Phoebe: She is so great! I miss her. Monica: What does she mean by 'involved'? Chandler: I mean presumably, the biggest part of your job is done. Ross: Anyway, they want me to go down to this- sonogram thing with them tomorrow. Rachel: So what are you gonna do? Ross: I have no idea. No matter what I do, though, I'm still gonna be a father. (Joey starts to eat the rest of the lasagne and everyone turns and stares at him.) Joey: .....Well, this is still ruined, right? [Scene, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are pouring wine for their parents.] Mrs. Geller: Oh, Martha Ludwin's daughter is gonna call you. (Tastes a snack) Mmm! What's that curry taste? Monica: Curry. Mrs. Geller: Mmmm! Ross: I- I think they're great! I, I really do.
(Stunned silence ensues.) Mrs. Geller: (To Monica) And you knew about this?! Commercial Break [Scene: Central Park, everyone's there.] Joey: Your folks are really that bad, huh? Ross: Well, y'know, these people are pros. They know what they're doing, they take their time, they get the job done. Monica: Boy, I know they say you can't change your parents,... boy, if you could- (To Ross) -I'd want yours. Ross: Must pee. (Goes to pee.) Phoebe: Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins. Rachel: You're twins? Phoebe: Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type. Chandler: What does she do? Phoebe: She's a waitress. Rachel: All right, you guys, I kinda gotta clean up now. (They all start to leave.) Monica: Chandler, you're an only child, right? You don't have any of this. Chandler: Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend, who... my parents actually preferred. Rachel: The lights, please.. (Joey turns off the lights, and they all leave as Rachel starts to clean up. Ross enters from the bathroom.) Ross: ...How long was I in there? Rachel: I'm just cleaning up. Ross: D'ya.. uh.. d'ya need any help? Rachel: Uh.. okay, sure! Thanks! (She hands him the broom and sits down.) Ross: Anyway.. um.. (Starts to sweep.) So, you- uh- you nervous about Barry tomorrow? Rachel: Oh.. a little.. Ross: Mm-hmm.. Rachel: A lot. Ross: Mm. Rachel: So, got any advice? Y'know, as someone who's recently been- dumped? Ross: Well, you may wanna steer clear of the word 'dumped'. Chances are he's gonna be this, this broken shell of a man, y'know, so you should try not to look too terrific, I know it'll be hard. Or, y'know, uh, hey!, I'll go down there, and I'll give Barry back his ring, and you can go with Carol and Susan to the OB/GYN... Rachel: Oh, you've got Carol tomorrow.. When did it get so complicated? Ross: Got me. Rachel: Remember when we were in high school together? Ross: Yeah.
Rachel: I mean, didn't you think you were just gonna meet somone, fall in love- and that'd be it? (Ross gazes at her.) ..Ross? Ross: Yes, yes! Rachel: Oh! Man, I never thought I'd be here.. (She leans back onto his hand.) Ross: Me either... (He pulls up a stool so that he doesn't have to move his hand.) [Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, Carol is waiting.] Ross: (entering) Sorry I'm late, I was stuck at work. There was this big dinosaur.. thing.. anyway. (Susan enters holding a drink.) Susan: Hi. Carol: Ross, you remember Susan. Ross: How could I forget? Susan: Ross. Ross: (they shake hands) Hello, Susan. (To Carol) Good shake. Good shake. So, uh, we're just waiting for...? Carol: Dr. Oberman. Ross: ..Dr. Oberman. Okay. And is he- Susan: She. Ross: -she, of course, she- uh- familiar with our.. special situation? Carol: Yes, and she's very supportive. Ross: Okay, that's great. (Susan gives her drink to Carol.) No, I'm- Oh. Carol: Thanks. Ross: (picks up a surgical instrament and mimes a duck with it) Quack, quack.. Carol: Ross? That opens my cervix. (He drops it in horror.) [Scene Barry's office, Barry is working on patient, Robbie, as Rachel enters.] Rachel: Barry? Barry: C'mon in. Rachel: (hesitates) Are you sure? Barry: Yeah! It's fine, it's fine. Robbie's gonna be here for hours. Robbie: Huh?! Barry: So, how ya doin? Rachel: I'm- uh- I'm okay... You look great! Barry: Yeah, well.. Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Jason Greenstein's gagging. Barry: (answering the intercom) Be right there. (To Robbie and Rachel) Be back in a sec. (As Barry exits Robbie stares at Rachel.) Rachel: I dumped him. Robbie: Okay. [Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're talking about how this is going to work.] Ross: So, um- so how's this, uh, how's this gonna work? Y'know, with us? Y'know, when, like,
Barry: Well, thank you for giving it back. (Barry and Rachel look at each other.) Robbie: Hello?! [Scene: Carol's OB/GYN, they're still arguing about what to name the baby.] Susan: Oh, please! What's wrong with Helen? Ross: Helen Geller? I don't think so. Carol: Hello? It's not gonna be Helen Geller. Ross: Thank you! Carol: No, I mean it's not Geller. Ross: What, it's gonna be Helen Willick? Carol: No, actually, um, we talked about Helen Willick-Bunch. Ross: Well, wait a minute, wha- why is she in the title? Susan: It's my baby too. Ross: Oh, 's'funny, really? Um, I don't remember you making any sperm. Susan: Yeah, and we all know what a challenge that is! Carol: All right, you two, stop it! Ross: No no no, she gets a credit, hey, I'm in there too. Carol: Ross. You're not actually suggesting Helen Willick-Bunch-Geller? 'Cause I think that borders on child abuse. Ross: Of course not, I'm... suggesting Geller-Willick-Bunch. Susan: Oh, no, nonononono, you see what he's doing? He knows no-one's gonna say all those names, so they'll wind up calling her Geller, then he gets his way! Ross: My way?! You-you think this is my way? Believe me, of all the ways I ever imagined this moment in my life being, this is not my way- y'know what? Uh, um, this is too hard. I'm not, I can't do- Dr. Oberman: (entering) Knock knock!How are we today? Any nausea? All: Yeah. Yeah. A little. Dr. Oberman: Well, I was just wondering about the mother-to-be, but.. thanks for sharing. (To Carol) Uh, lie back.. Ross: You- uh- y'know what, I'm gonna go. I don't- I don't think I can be involved in this particular thing right now. (He turns to go, but the sound of the sonogram catches hes ear. He returns and stares at it.) Ross: Oh my God. Susan: Look at that. Carol: I know. Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment, everyone is watching the tape of the sonogram. Rachel is on the phone.] Ross: Well? Isn't that amazing? Joey: What are we supposed to be seeing here?
Chandler: I dunno, but.. I think it's about to attack the Enterprise. Phoebe: You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato. Ross: Then don't do that, alright? Phoebe: Okay! Ross: (walks over to where Monica is standing)Monica. Whaddya think? Monica: (welling up) Mm-hmm. Ross: Wh- are you welling up? Monica: No. Ross: You are, you're welling up. Monica: Am not! Ross: You're gonna be an aunt. Monica: (pushes him and starts to cry) Oh shut up! Rachel: (on phone) Hi, Mindy. Hi, it-it's Rachel. Yeah, I'm fine. I-I saw Barry today. Oh, yeah, yeah he-he told me. No, no, it's okay. I hope you two are very happy, I really do. Oh, oh, and Mind, y'know, if-if everything works out, and you guys end up getting married and having kids- and everything- I just hope they have his old hairline and your old nose. (Slams the phone down.) (To everyone) Okay, I know it was a cheap shot, but I feel so much better now. End
103 The One With the Thumb [Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.] Phoebe: (entering) Hi guys! All: Hey, Pheebs! Hi! Ross: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go? Phoebe: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!' All: Ohh. Ouch. Rachel: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right? Monica: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'. Rachel: Since when? Joey: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'. Chandler: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'. Phoebe: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'. Rachel: And everybody knows this? Joey: Yeah. Cushions the blow. Chandler: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm. Ross: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on
