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Love Is a Fallacy

Lesson

52 Lesson 4

Love Is a Fallacy

Max Shulman

Charles Lamb, as merry and enterprising a fellow as you will meet in a month of Sundays,

unfettered the informal essay with his memorable “Old China” and “Dream’s Children.”

There follows an informal essay that ventures even beyond Lamb’s frontier. Indeed,

“informal” may not be quite the right word to describe this essay; “limp” or “flaccid” or

possibly “spongy” are perhaps more appropriate.

Vague though its category, it is without doubt an essay. It develops an argument; it cites

instances; it reaches a conclusion. Could Carlyle do more? Could Ruskin?

Read, then, the following essay which undertakes to demonstrate that logic, far from being a

dry, pedantic discipline, is a living, breathing thing, full of beauty, passion, and trauma.

—Author’s Note

1 Cool was I and logical. Keen, calculating, perspicacious, acute and astute—I was all

of these. My brain was as powerful as a dynamo, as precise as a chemist’s scales, as

penetrating as a scalpel. And—think of it!—I was only eighteen.

2 It is not often that one so young has such a giant intellect. Take, for example, Petey

Burch, my roommate at the University of Minnesota. Same age, same background,

but dumb as an ox. A nice enough young fellow, you understand, but nothing

54 Lesson 4

on a raccoon coat. My father had had one in his undergraduate days; it lay now in a

trunk in the attic back home. It also happened that Petey had something I wanted. He

didn’t have it exactly, but at least he had first rights on it. I refer to his girl, Polly Espy.

20 I had long coveted Polly Espy. Let me emphasize that my desire for this young woman was

not emotional in nature. She was, to be sure, a girl who excited the emotions, but I was not one

to let my heart rule my head. I wanted Polly for a shrewdly calculated, entirely cerebral reason.

21 I was a freshman in law school. In a few years I would be out in practice. I was well aware

of the importance of the right kind of wife in furthering a lawyer’s career. The successful

lawyers I had observed were, almost without exception, married to beautiful, gracious,

intelligent women. With one omission, Polly fitted these specifications perfectly.

22 Beautiful she was. She was not yet of pin-up proportions, but I felt sure that time

would supply the lack. She already had the makings.

23 Gracious she was. By gracious I mean full of graces. She had an erectness of carriage,

an ease of bearing, a poise that clearly indicated the best of breeding. At table her

manners were exquisite. I had seen her at the Kozy Kampus Korner eating the

specialty of the house—a sandwich that contained scraps of pot roast, gravy, chopped

nuts, and a dipper of sauerkraut—without even getting her fingers moist.

24 Intelligent she was not. In fact, she veered in the opposite direction. But I believed

that under my guidance she would smarten up. At any rate, it was worth a try. It is, after

all, easier to make a beautiful dumb girl smart than to make an ugly smart girl beautiful.

25 “Petey,” I said, “are you in love with Polly Espy?”

26 “I think she’s a keen kid,” he replied, “but I don’t know if you’d call it love. Why?”

27 “Do you,” I asked, “have any kind of formal arrangement with her? I mean are you

going steady or anything like that?”

28 “No. We see each other quite a bit, but we both have other dates. Why?”

29 “Is there,” I asked, “any other man for whom she has a particular fondness?”

30 “Not that I know of. Why?”

31 I nodded with satisfaction. “In other words, if you were out of the picture, the field

would be open. Is that right?”

32 “I guess so. What are you getting at?”

33 “Nothing, nothing,” I said innocently, and took my suitcase out of the closet.

Love Is a Fallacy 55

34 “Where are you going?” asked Petey.

35 “Home for the weekend.” I threw a few things into the bag.

36 “Listen,” he said, clutching my arm eagerly, “while you’re home, you couldn’t get

some money from your old man, could you, and lend it to me so I can buy a raccoon

coat?”

37 “I may do better than that,” I said with a mysterious wink and closed my bag and left.

38 “Look,” I said to Petey when I got back Monday morning. I threw open the suitcase

and revealed the huge, hairy, gamy object that my father had worn in his Stutz

Bearcat in 1925.

39 “Holy Toledo!” said Petey reverently. He plunged his hands into the raccoon coat and

then his face. “Holy Toledo!” he repeated fifteen or twenty times.

40 “Would you like it?” I asked.

41 “Oh yes!” he cried, clutching the greasy pelt to him. Then a canny look came into his

eyes. “What do you want for it?”

42 “Your girl,” I said, mincing no words.

43 “Polly?” he said in a horrified whisper. “You want Polly?”

44 “That’s right.”

45 He flung the coat from him. “Never,” he said stoutly.

46 I shrugged. “Okay. If you don’t want to be in the swim, I guess it’s your business.”

47 I sat down in a chair and pretended to read a book, but out of the corner of my

eye I kept watching Petey. He was a torn man. First he looked at the coat with the

expression of a waif at a bakery window. Then he turned away and set his jaw

resolutely. Then he looked back at the coat, with even more longing in his face. Then

he turned away, but with not so much resolution this time. Back and forth his head

swiveled, desire waxing, resolution waning. Finally he didn’t turn away at all; he just

stood and stared with mad lust at the coat.

48 “It isn’t as though I was in love with Polly,” he said thickly. “Or going steady or

anything like that.”

49 “That’s right,” I murmured.

50 “What’s Polly to me, or me to Polly?”

Love Is a Fallacy 57

correctly, we must first learn to recognize the common fallacies of logic. These we

will take up tonight.”

65 “Wow-dow!” she cried, clapping her hands delightedly.

66 I winced, but went bravely on. “First let us examine the fallacy called Dicto

Simpliciter.”

67 “By all means,” she urged, batting her lashes eagerly.

68 “Dicto Simpliciter means an argument based on an unqualified generalization. For

example: Exercise is good. Therefore everybody should exercise.”

69 “I agree,” said Polly earnestly. “I mean exercise is wonderful. I mean it builds the body

and everything.”

70 “Polly,” I said gently, “the argument is a fallacy. Exercise is good is an unqualified

generalization. For instance, if you have heart disease, exercise is bad, not good.

Many people are ordered by their doctors not to exercise. You must qualify the

generalization. You must say exercise is usually good, or exercise is good for most

people. Otherwise you have committed a Dicto Simpliciter. Do you see?”

71 “No,” she confessed. “But this is marvy. Do more! Do more!”

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72 “It will be better if you stop tugging at my sleeve,” I told her, and when she desisted,

I continued. “Next we take up a fallacy called Hasty Generalization. Listen carefully:

You can’t speak French. I can’t speak French. Petey Burch can’t speak French. I must

therefore conclude that nobody at the University of Minnesota can speak French.”

73 “Really?” said Polly, amazed. “Nobody?”

74 I hid my exasperation. “Polly, it’s a fallacy. The generalization is reached too hastily.

There are too few instances to support such a conclusion.”

75 “Know any more fallacies?” she asked breathlessly. “This is more fun than dancing

even.”

76 I fought off a wave of despair. I was getting nowhere with this girl, absolutely

nowhere. Still, I am nothing if not persistent. I continued.

77 “Next comes Post Hoc. Listen to this: Let’s not take Bill on our picnic. Every time we

take him out with us, it rains.”

78 “I know somebody like that,” she exclaimed. “A girl back home—Eula Becker, her

name is. It never fails. Every single time we take her on a picnic—”

79 “Polly,” I said sharply, “it’s a fallacy. Eula Becker doesn’t cause the rain. She has no

connection with the rain. You are guilty of Post Hoc if you blame Eula Becker.”

80 “I’ll never do that again,” she promised contritely. “Are you mad at me?”

81 I sighed deeply. “No, Polly, I’m not mad.”

82 “Then tell me some more fallacies.”

83 “All right. Let’s try Contradictory Premises.”

84 “Yes, let’s,” she chirped, blinking her eyes happily.

85 I frowned, but plunged ahead. “Here’s an example of Contradictory Premises: If God

can do anything, can He make a stone so heavy that He won’t be able to lift it?”

86 “Of course,” she replied promptly.

87 “But if He can do anything, He can lift the stone,” I pointed out.

88 “Yeah,” she said thoughtfully. “Well, then I guess He can’t make the stone.”

89 “But He can do anything,” I reminded her.

90 She scratched her pretty, empty head. “I’m all confused,” she admitted.

60 Lesson 4

them when they are building a house. Why, then, shouldn’t students be allowed to

look at their textbooks during an examination?”

103 “There now,” she said enthusiastically, “is the most marvy idea I’ve heard in years.”

104 “Polly,” I said testily, “the argument is all wrong. Doctors, lawyers, and carpenters

aren’t taking a test to see how much they have learned, but students are. The

situations are altogether different, and you can’t make an analogy between them.”

105 “I still think it’s a good idea,” said Polly.

106 “Nuts,” I muttered. Doggedly I pressed on. “Next we’ll try Hypothesis Contrary to

Fact.”

107 “Sounds yummy,” was Polly’s reaction.

108 “Listen: If Madame Curie had not happened to leave a photographic plate in a drawer

with a chunk of pitchblende, the world today would not know about radium.”

109 “True, true,” said Polly, nodding her head. “Did you see the movie? Oh, it just

knocked me out. That Walter Pidgeon is so dreamy. I mean he fractures me.”

110 “If you can forget Mr. Pidgeon for a moment,” I said coldly, “I would like to point out

that the statement is a fallacy. Maybe Madame Curie would have discovered radium

at some later date. Maybe somebody else would have discovered it. Maybe any

number of things would have happened. You can’t start with a hypothesis that is not

true and then draw any supportable conclusions from it.”

111 “They ought to put Walter Pidgeon in more pictures,” said Polly. “I hardly ever see

him any more.”

112 One more chance, I decided. But just one more. There is a limit to what flesh and

blood can bear. “The next fallacy is called Poisoning the Well.”

113 “How cute!” she gurgled.

114 “Two men are having a debate. The first one gets up and says, ‘My opponent is a

notorious liar. You can’t believe a word that he is going to say.’…Now, Polly, think.

Think hard. What’s wrong?”

115 I watched her closely as she knit her creamy brow in concentration. Suddenly, a

glimmer of intelligence—the first I had seen—came into her eyes. “It’s not fair,” she

said with indignation. “It’s not a bit fair. What chance has the second man got if the

first man calls him a liar before he even begins talking?”

Love Is a Fallacy 61

116 “Right!” I cried exultantly. “One hundred percent right. It’s not fair. The first man

has poisoned the well before anybody could drink from it. He has hamstrung his

opponent before he could even start. …Polly, I’m proud of you.”

117 “Pshaw,” she murmured, blushing with pleasure.

118 “You see, my dear, these things aren’t so hard. All you have to do is concentrate.

Think—examine—evaluate. Come now. Let’s review everything we have learned.”

119 “Fire away,” she said with an airy wave of her hand.

120 Heartened by the knowledge that Polly was not altogether a cretin, I began a long,

patient review of all I had told her. Over and over and over again I cited instances,

pointed out flaws, kept hammering away without let-up. It was like digging a tunnel.

At first everything was work, sweat, and darkness. I had no idea when I would reach

the light, or even if I would. But I persisted. I pounded and clawed and scraped, and

finally I was rewarded. I saw a chink of light. And then the chink got bigger and the

sun came pouring in and all was bright.

121 Five grueling nights this took, but it was worth it. I had made a logician out of Polly;

I had taught her to think. My job was done. She was worthy of me at last. She was

a fit wife for me, a proper hostess for my many mansions, a suitable mother for my

well-heeled children.

122 It must not be thought that I was without love for this girl. Quite the contrary. Just

as Pygmalion loved the perfect woman he had fashioned, so I loved mine.

I determined to acquaint her with my feeling at our very next

meeting. The time had come to change

our relationship from academic to

romantic.

123 “Polly,” I said when next we sat beneath our

oak, “tonight we will not discuss fallacies.”

124 “Aw, gee,” she said, disappointed.

125 “My dear,” I said, favoring her with a smile,

“we have now spent five evenings together. We

have gotten along splendidly. It is clear that we

are well matched.”

126 “Hasty Generalization,” said Polly brightly.

127 “I beg your pardon,” said I.

Love Is a Fallacy 63

144 That did it. I leaped to my feet, bellowing like a bull. “Will you or will you not go

steady with me?”

145 “I will not,” she replied.

146 “Why not?” I demanded.

147 “Because this afternoon I promised Petey Burch that I would go steady with him.”

148 I reeled back, overcome with the infamy of it. After he promised, after he made a deal,

after he shook my hand! “The rat!” I shrieked, kicking up great chunks of turf. “You

can’t go with him, Polly. He’s a liar. He’s a cheat. He’s a rat.”

149 “Poisoning the Well,” said Polly, “and stop shouting. I think shouting must be a fallacy too.”

150 With an immense effort of will, I modulated my voice. “All right,” I said. “You’re a

logician. Let’s look at this thing logically. How could you choose Petey Burch over

me? Look at me—a brilliant student, a tremendous intellectual, a man with an

assured future. Look at Petey—a knot head, a jitterbug, a guy who’ll never know

where his next meal is coming from. Can you give me one logical reason why you

should go stead with Petey Burch?”

151 “I certainly can,” declared Polly. “He’s got a raccoon coat.”

(from Rhetoric in a Modern Mode by James K. Bell and Adrian A. Cohn)

64 Lesson 4

This text is a piece of narrative writing,

t a ke n f ro m M a x S h u l m a n’s T h e M a n y

Loves of Dobie Gillis , published in 1951. The

narrator and the protagonist is Dobie Gillis,

a freshman in a law school. He struggles

against two antagonists: Petey Burch, his roommate, whose girl friend he plans

to steal, and Polly Espy, the girl he intends to marry after suitable re-education.

The climax of the story is reached in the last paragraphs when Polly refuses to go

steady with the narrator because she has already promised to go steady with Petey

Burch. The denouement follows rapidly and ends on a very ironic note. The raccoon

coat which he gave to Petey Burch for the privilege of dating his girl, the raccoon coat

which the narrator disliked and abhorred, was the instrument of his undoing. Polly Espy

promised to go steady with Petey Burch because he owned a raccoon coat, a coat that

all fashionable people on campus were wearing. The main theme of the story, however, is

stated by the writer in the title of the story: “Love Is a Fallacy.”

The whole story is a piece of light, humorous satire. The writer, Max Shulman,

is satirizing or making fun of a smug, self-conceited freshman in a law school.

The freshman is made the narrator of the story who goes on smugly boasting

and singing praises of himself at every conceivable opportunity. From the very

beginning, in Paragraph 1, he begins to heap on himself all the beautiful words of

praise he can think of—cool, logical, keen, calculating, perspicacious, acute, astute,

powerful, precise and penetrating. This exaggerated self-praise and the profuse

use of similes and metaphors help to make the satire humorous. At the same time

the narrator takes every opportunity to downgrade Petey Burch. For example,

he calls him: dumb, nothing upstairs, unstable, impressionable and a faddist. And

as for Polly Espy, she is “a beautiful dumb girl,” who would smarten up under his

Aids to Comprehension

About “Love Is a

Fallacy”

66 Lesson 4

Notes

1 Max Shulman (1919–1988) was a 20th century American writer and

humorist best known for his television and short story character Dobie Gillis,

as well as for best-selling novels. He began writing Dobie Gillis stories in 1945

for various humor magazines. In 1951, these were collected and published as

a book entitled The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.

2 Charles Lamb (Author’s Note): (1775–1834) English essayist of the romantic

period. Lamb attempted work in the fields of drama and poetry but was most

successful in the personal essay. His writings in this form are known for their

humor and whimsy. He was also a perceptive critic with a special sympathy

for the works of Elizabethan and early 17th century writers.

3 Carlyle (Author’s Note): See Note 14 in Lesson 1.

4 Ruskin (Author’s Note): John Ruskin (1819–1900), English writer and art

theorist. His critic works, such as Modern Painters and The Stones of Venice,

made him the most influential critic of the day, and his social criticism gave

him the status of a moral guide or prophet.

5 The University of Minnesota (Para. 2): The University of Minnesota is a

public research university located in Minneapolis and St. Paul, Minnesota,

United States. It is the oldest and largest part of the University of Minnesota

system and has the fourth-largest main campus student body in the United

States, with 51,611 students in 2010–2011.

6 Stutz Bearcat (Para. 38): Name of an automobile.

7 Holy Toledo (Para. 39): An interjectional compound (like holy cow! holy

smoke!) to express astonishment, emphasis, etc.

8 What’s Polly to me, or me to Polly? (Para. 50): Perhaps this is a parody of

“What’s Hecuba to him or he to Hecuba that he should weep for her?” from

Shakespeare’s Hamlet , Act 2, scene 2.

9 Dicto Simpliciter (Para. 66): A clipped form of “a dicto simpliciter ad dictum

secundum quid,” a Latin phrase meaning “from a saying (taken too) simply to

a saying according to what (it really is)”; i.e. according to its truth as holding

under special provisos.

10 Post Hoc (Para. 77): A clipped form of “post hoc, ergo propter hoc,” a Latin

phrase meaning “after this, therefore because of this”; a fallacy in logic of

thinking that a happening which follows another must be its result.

11 Ad Misericordiam (Para. 96): A Latin phrase meaning “to pity”; a fallacy in

Love Is a Fallacy 67

pedantic

(Author’s Note)

paying too much attention to rules and details; insisting on exact adherence

to a set of arbitrary rules

perspicacious

(Para. 1)

having keen judgment or understanding; acutely perceptive

scales

(Para. 1)

a piece of equipment with two dishes used especially in the past for weighing

things by comparing them to a known weight

scalpel

(Para. 1)

a small very sharp knife used by doctors in operations

idiocy

(Para. 2)

extreme stupidity or silliness; a very stupid remark or action

appendicitis

(Para. 3)

阑尾炎

laxative

(Para. 3)

清泻剂，通便剂

logic of appealing to pity or compassion.

12 Madame Curie (Para. 108): Marie Curie (1867–1934), physicist, born in Warsaw, who

worked with her French husband Pierre Curie (1859–1906) on magnetism and radioactivity.

Together they discovered and isolated polonium and radium, and shared the 1903 Nobel

Prize for Physics with Becquerel for the discovery of radioactivity. Madame Curie published

her treatise on radioactivity in 1910 and was awarded the Nobel Prize for chemistry in 1911.

13 Walter Pidgeon (Para. 109): (1897–1984) A Canadian actor who lived most of his adult

life in the United States. He starred in many motion pictures, including Madame Curie , Mrs.

Miniver , The Bad and the Beautiful , Forbidden Planet , Advise and Consent and Funny Girl.

14 Pygmalion (Para. 122): (Greek mythology) King of Cyprus and a sculptor, who fell

in love with his own statue of Galatea, later brought to life by the goddess of love,

Aphrodite, at his prayer.

15 Frankenstein (Para. 135): He is the title character in a novel (1818) written by Mary Wollstonecraft

Shelley. Frankenstein is a young scientist who creates a monster that destroys him.

Words & Expression

s

Love Is a Fallacy 69 ery s xplain he

I. Oral Presentation

Make a five-minute presentation in class based on your research. Suggested topics:

1. Max Shulman
2. Charles Lamb

II. Questions

A. Questions on the Content

1. Can you find any evidence to support the view that the writer is satirizing a bright

but self-satisfied young man?

2. Why does the narrator consider Petey Burch dumb as an ox?
3. What kind of girl is Polly? Why does the narrator teach Polly Espy logic?
4. What does Dicto Simpliciter mean? How does the narrator explain it to Polly?
5. What does Post Hoc mean? What example does the narrator give? What is Polly’s

first reaction to this argument?

6. What does Contradictory Premises mean? What example does the narrator give? Is

Polly confused?

7. What does Ad Misericordiam mean? What example is given to explain this fallacy?

How does Polly respond to the example? What does it show about her?

8. What is False Analogy? What is Poisoning the Well?
9. Why does the narrator say, “I was not Pygmalion; I was Frankenstein”? (Para. 135)

B. Questions on Structure and Style

1. What is the purpose of this story? What method does the writer employ?
2. What is the topic sentence of Paragraph 47? How does the writer develop the idea

expressed in the topic sentence?

3. Why does the narrator refer to Pygmalion and Frankenstein? Are these allusions

chosen aptly?

4. The narrator in this story has a vivid style. In part, it is characterized by many

figures of speech. Mention examples of the following: simile, metaphor, hyperbole, metonymy, and antithesis. Comment on the figures that are used effectively.

5. The language used in this story is very colloquial. Pick out some of the

colloquialisms and slang used in the text.

Exercises

70 Lesson 4

6. What narrative voice is used in this story? From whose point of view is the story

told? Can we readers always rely on what the narrator tells us?

III. Paraphrase

Explain the following in your own words, bringing out any implied meanings.

1. A nice enough young fellow, you understand, but nothing upstairs. (Para. 2)
2. Fads, I submit, are the very negation of reason. (Para. 2)
3. I should have known they’d come back when the Charleston came back. (Para. 8)
4. “All the Big Men on Campus are wearing them. Where’ve you been?” (Para. 10)
5. My brain, that precision instrument, slipped into high gear. (Para. 17)
6. With one omission, Polly fitted these specifications perfectly. (Para. 21)
7. She was not yet of pin-up proportions, but I felt sure that time would supply the

lack. (Para. 22)

8. In fact, she veered in the opposite direction. (Para. 24)
9. “In other words, if you were out of the picture, the field would be open. Is that

right?” (Para. 31)

10. Back and forth his head swiveled, desire waxing, resolution waning. (Para. 47)
11. This loomed as a project of no small dimensions… (Para. 58)
12. Admittedly it was not a prospect fraught with hope, but I decided to give it one

more try. (Para. 95)

13. There is a limit to what flesh and blood can bear. (Para. 112)
14. I was not Pygmalion; I was Frankenstein, and my monster had me by the throat.

(Para. 135)

15. Frantically I fought back the tide of panic surging through me. (Para. 135)

IV. Practice with Words and Expressions

A. Look up the dictionary and explain the meaning of the italicized words and

phrases.

1. My brain was as powerful as a dynamo… (Para. 1)
2. …pausing in my flight. (Para. 5)
3. …when the Charleston came back. (Para. 8)
4. They shed. (Para. 13)
5. Don’t you want to be in the swim? (Para. 14)
6. …I would be out in practice. (Para. 21)
7. She was not yet of pin-up proportions… (Para. 22)
8. She already had the makings. (Para. 22)