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(3) Voltaire, Candide. a. Text. Translation in the pubic domain.
VOLTAIRE
Candide; or Optimism
translated from the German of DoctorRalph
with the additions which were found in the Doctor=s pocket
when he died at Minden^1 in the Year of our Lord 1759
[An anonymous translation, edited and adapted by A.C. Kibel]
Chapter 1 - How Candide Was Brought Up in a Magnificent Castle and How He Was Driven Out of It
In the country of Westphalia, in the castle of the most noble Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, lived a youth whom Nature had endowed with a most sweet disposition. His face was the true index of his mind. He had a solid judgment joined to the most unaffected simplicity; and hence, I presume, he had his name of Candide. The old servants of the house suspected him to have been the son of the Baron's sister, by a very good sort of a gentleman of the neighborhood, whom that young lady refused to marry, because he could produce no more than seventy-one quarterings^2 in his arms; the rest of the genealogical tree belonging to the family having been lost through the injuries of time. The Baron was one of the most powerful lords in Westphalia, for his castle had not only a gate, but even windows, and his great hall was hung with tapestry. He used to hunt with his mastiffs and spaniels instead of greyhounds; his groom served him for huntsman; and the parson of the parish officiated as his grand almoner. He was called AMy Lord@ by all his people, who laughed at all his jokes. My Lady Baroness, who weighed three hundred and fifty pounds, consequently was a person of no small consideration; and then she did the honors of the house with a dignity that commanded universal respect. Her daughter was about seventeen years of age, fresh-colored, comely, plump, and desirable. The Baron's son, her brother, seemed to be a youth in every respect worthy of the father he sprung from. Pangloss, the tutor, was the oracle of the family, and little Candide listened to his instructions with all the simplicity natural to his age and disposition. Master Pangloss taught metaphysico-theologico-cosmolooneyology. He could prove to admiration that there is no effect without a cause; and, that in this best of all possible worlds, the Baron's castle was the most magnificent of all castles, and My Lady the best of all possible baronesses. AIt is demonstrable,@ said he, Athat things cannot be otherwise than as they are; for as all things have been created for some end, they must necessarily be created for the best end. Observe, for instance, the nose is formed for spectacles, therefore we wear spectacles. The legs are visibly designed for trousers, accordingly we wear trousers. It is the nature of stones made to be hewn and made into castles, therefore My Lord has a magnificent castle; for the greatest baron in the province ought to be the best lodged. Pigs
1 Candide appeared anonymously through two editions. ADr Ralph@, the imaginary author,
evidently died at a battle occuring during the campaign of Westphalia, in the course of which
Cunégonde was raped and the castle of Candide=s protector, the Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh,
was sacked and destroyed. The Aadditions@ refer to a long passage in chapter 22 added to the
second edition and omitted here.
2 A measure of the length of one=s geneological treeBan uninterupted line of aristocratic
ancestors, in this case, stretching back more than two thousand years.
were intended to be eaten, therefore we eat pork all the year round: and they, who assert that everything is right, do not express themselves correctly; they should say that everything is best.@ Candide listened attentively and believed implicitly, for he thought Miss Cunégonde excessively handsome, though he never had the courage to tell her so. He concluded that next to the happiness of being Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, the next was that of being Miss Cunégonde, the next that of seeing her every day, and the last that of hearing the doctrine of Master Pangloss, the greatest philosopher of the whole province, and consequently of the whole world. One day when Cunégonde went to take a walk in a little neighboring wood which was called a park, she saw, through the bushes, the sage Doctor Pangloss giving a lecture in experimental philosophy to her mother's chambermaid, a pretty brunette, and very obedient. As Cunégonde had a great disposition for the sciences, she observed with the utmost attention the experiments which were repeated before her eyes; she perfectly well understood the doctor=s sufficient reason and the force of causes and effects. She retired greatly flurried, quite pensive and filled with the desire of knowledge, imagining that she might be a sufficient reason for young Candide, and he for her. On her way back she happened to meet the young man; she blushed, he blushed also; she wished him a good morning in a faltering tone, he returned the salute, without knowing what he said. The next day, as they were rising from dinner, Cunégonde and Candide slipped behind the screen. The miss dropped her handkerchief, the young man picked it up. She innocently took hold of his hand, and he as innocently kissed hers with a warmth, a sensibility, a grace-all very particular; their lips met; their eyes sparkled; their knees trembled; their hands strayed. The Baron chanced to come by; he beheld the cause and effect, and, without hesitation, saluted Candide with some notable kicks on his backside and drove him out of doors. The lovely Cunégonde fainted away, and, as soon as she came to herself, the Baroness boxed her ears. Thus a general consternation was spread over this most magnificent and most agreeable of all possible castles.
Chapter 2 - What Befell Candide among the Bulgarians
Candide, thus driven out of this terrestrial paradise, rambled a long time without knowing where he went; sometimes he raised his eyes, all bedewed with tears, towards heaven, and sometimes he cast a melancholy look towards the magnificent castle, where dwelt the fairest of young baronesses. He laid himself down to sleep in a furrow, heartbroken, and supperless. The snow fell in great flakes, and, in the morning when he awoke, he was almost frozen to death; however, he made shift to crawl to the next town, which was called Wald-berghoff-trarbkdikdorff, without a penny in his pocket, and half dead with hunger and fatigue. He took up his stand at the door of an inn. He had not been long there before two men dressed in blue^3 fixed their eyes steadfastly upon him. ALook,@ said one of them to the other, Athere=s a well-made young man of the right size.@ Upon which they came up to Candide and with the greatest civility and politeness invited him to dine with them. AGentlemen,@ replied Candide, with a most engaging modesty, you do me much honor, but upon my word I have no money.@ AMoney, sir!@ said one of the blues to him, Ayoung persons of your appearance and merit never pay anything; why, are not you five feet five inches high?@
3 Candide is about to be recruited into the Prussian army and do his bit in the Seven Years
War (1756-63) between the Prussians and the French, a conflict which had the usual effects of
warfare upon the countysides of central Europe. The recruiting officers of Frederick the Great
wore blue uniforms and were feared in villages everywhere they showed up. As for the remark
about Candide=s size: Frederick reputedly tried to have units of his armyBcompanies and
regimentsBcomposed of soldiers of roughly the same size in order to produce an impression of
uniformity when they were on parade.
unguents prescribed by Dioscorides^5. His sores were now scabbed over and he was able to march, when the King of the Bulgarians gave battle to the King of the Abares^6.
Chapter 3 - How Candide Escaped from the Bulgarians and What Befell Him Afterward
Never was anything so gallant, so well accoutered, so brilliant, and so finely disposed as the two armies. The trumpets, fifes, oboes, drums, and cannon made such harmony as never was heard in Hell itself. The entertainment began by a discharge of cannon, which, in the twinkling of an eye, laid flat about 6,000 men on each side. The musket bullets swept away, out of the best of all possible worlds, nine or ten thousand scoundrels that were cluttering its surface. The bayonet was next the sufficient reason of the deaths of several thousands. The sum of casualites might amount to thirty thousand souls. Candide trembled like a philosopher, and concealed himself as well as he could during this heroic butchery. At length, while the two kings were causing Te Deums^7 to be sung in their camps, Candide took a resolution to go and reason somewhere else upon causes and effects. After passing over heaps of dead or dying men, the first place he came to was a neighboring village, in the Abarian territories, which had been burned to the ground by the Bulgarians, agreeably to the laws of war. Here lay a number of old men covered with wounds, who beheld their wives dying with their throats cut and hugging their children to their breasts, all stained with blood. There several young virgins, whose bodies had been ripped open after they had satisfied the natural necessities of the Bulgarian heroes, breathed their last; while others, half-burned in the flames, begged to be dispatched out of the world. The ground about them was covered with the brains, arms, and legs of the dead. Candide made all the haste he could to another village, which belonged to the Bulgarians, and there he found the heroic Abares had enacted the same tragedy. Thence continuing to walk over twitching limbs or through ruined buildings, at length he got beyond the theater of war, with a little food in his backpack and Cunégonde's image in his heart. When he arrived in Holland his food ran out, but having heard that the inhabitants of that country were all rich and Christians, he was sure that he would be treated by them as he had been at the Baron's castle before he had been driven thence through the power of Cunégonde's bright eyes. He asked charity of several grave-looking people, who one and all answered him that if he continued to follow this trade they would have him sent to the house of correction, where he should be taught to get his bread. He next addressed himself to a person who had just come from haranguing a numerous assembly for a whole hour on the subject of charity. The orator, squinting at him under his broad-brimmed hat, asked him sternly, what brought him thither and whether he was for the good old cause? ASir,@ said Candide, in a submissive manner, AI conceive there can be no effect without a cause; everything is necessarily concatenated and arranged for the best. It was necessary that I should be banished from the presence of Cunégonde; that I should afterwards run the gauntlet; and it is necessary I should beg my bread, till I am able to get it. All this could not have been otherwise.@ ATell me, friend,@ said the orator, Ado you hold the Pope to be Antichrist?@ ATruly, I never thought about it,@ said Candide, Abut whether he is or not, I am in want of something to eat.@
5 A treatise on medical remedies dating from the first centuryBnot exactly the most up-to-
date in Voltaire=s day. A hit in the spirit of the Enlightenment upon veneration for antiquated
texts.
6 The Abares, as opponents of the Prussians, represent the French.
7 A prayer of thanksgiving for victory, here sung by both sides.
AYou deserve neither food nor drink,@ replied the orator, Apervert, monster! hence! avoid my sight, never come near me again while you live.@ The orator's wife happened to put her head out of the window at that instant, and seeing a man who doubted whether the Pope was Antichrist, she discharged upon his head a full pisspot of golden liquid. Good heavens, to what excess does religious zeal transport womankind! A man who had never been christened, an honest Anabaptist named Jacques, was witness to the cruel and ignominious treatment showed to one of his brethren, to a rational featherless biped^8. Moved with pity he carried him to his house, caused him to be cleaned, gave him meat and drink, and made him a present of two florins, at the same time proposing to instruct him in his own trade of weaving Persian silks, which are fabricated in Holland. Candide, faced with so much goodness, threw himself at his feet, crying, ANow I am convinced that my Master Pangloss told me truth when he said that everything was for the best in this world; for I am infinitely more affected with your extraordinary generosity than with the inhumanity of that gentleman in the black cloak and his wife.@
Chapter 4 - How Candide Found His Old Master Pangloss Again and What Happened to Him
The next day, as Candide was walking out, he met a beggar all covered with scabs, his eyes sunk in his head, the end of his nose eaten off, his mouth drawn on one side, his teeth as black as a cloak, snuffling and coughing most violently, and every time he attempted to spit out dropped a tooth. Candide, divided between compassion and horror, but giving way to the former, bestowed on this shocking figure the two florins which the honest Anabaptist Jacques, had just before given to him. The specter looked at him very earnestly, shed tears and threw his arms about his neck. Candide started back aghast. AAlas!@ said the one wretch to the other, Adon't you know dear Pangloss?@ AWhat do I hear? Is it you, my dear master! you I behold in this piteous plight? What dreadful misfortune has befallen you? What has made you leave the most magnificent and delightful of all castles? What has become of Miss Cunégonde, the mirror of young ladies, and Nature's masterpiece?@ AI am dying@ said Pangloss, upon which Candide instantly led him to the Anabaptist's stable, and procured him something to eat. As soon as Pangloss tasted a morsel, Candide began to repeat his inquiries concerning Cunégonde. ADead,@ replied the other. ADead!@ cried Candide, and immediately fainted; his friend restored him by the help of a little bad vinegar, which he found by chance in the stable. Candide opened his eyes, and again repeated: ADead! is Cunégonde dead? Ah, where is the best of worlds now? But of what illness did she die? Was it of grief on seeing her father kick me out of his magnificent castle?@ ANo,@ replied Pangloss, Aher body was ripped open by the Bulgarian soldiers, after they had raped her as many times as a girl could survive; they knocked out the brains of the Baron, her father, for attempting to defend her; My Lady, her mother, was cut in pieces; my poor pupil was served just in the same manner as his sister^9 ; and as for the castle, they have not left one stone upon another; they have destroyed all the ducks, and sheep, the barns, and the trees; but we have had our satisfaction, for the Abares have done the very same thing in a neighboring barony, which belonged to a Bulgarian lord.@
8 Plato=s definition of a human being.
9 Voltaire apparently accepted the baseless calumny about Bulgarians common in his day,
that they practiced Abuggery@Ba word deriving ultimately from the word Bulgar.
One half of the passengers, weakened and half-dead with the inconceivable anxiety and sickness which the rolling of a vessel at sea occasions through the whole human frame, were lost to all sense of the danger that surrounded them. The others made loud outcries or betook themselves to their prayers; the sails were blown into shreds and the masts were brought by the board. The vessel was a total wreck. Everyone was busily employed, but nobody could be either heard or obeyed. The Anabaptist, being upon deck, lent a helping hand as well as the rest, when a frantic sailor knocked him down speechless; but, not withstanding, with the violence of the blow the tar himself tumbled headfirst overboard and fell upon a piece of the broken mast, which he immediately grasped. Honest Jacques, forgetting the injury he had so lately received from him, flew to his assistance, and, with great difficulty, hauled him in again, but, not withstanding, in the attempt, was, by a sudden jerk of the ship, thrown overboard himself, in sight of the very fellow whom he had risked his life to save and who took not the least notice of him in this distress. Candide, who beheld all that passed and saw his benefactor one moment rising above water and the next swallowed up by the merciless waves, was preparing to jump after him, but was prevented by the philosopher Pangloss, who demonstrated to him that the roadstead of Lisbon had been made on purpose for the Anabaptist to be drowned there. While he was proving his argument a priori^10 , the ship foundered, and the whole crew perished, except Pangloss, Candide, and the sailor who had been the means of drowning the good Anabaptist. The villain swam ashore; but Pangloss and Candide reached the land upon a plank. As soon as they had recovered from their surprise and fatigue they walked towards Lisbon; with what little money they had left they thought to save themselves from starving after having escaped drowning. Scarcely had they ceased to lament the loss of their benefactor and set foot in the city when they perceived that the earth trembled under their feet, and the sea, swelling and foaming in the harbor, began dashing in pieces the vessels that were riding at anchor there. Large sheets of flames and cinders covered the streets and public places; the houses tottered, and were tumbled topsy-turvy even to their foundations, which were themselves destroyed, and thirty thousand inhabitants of both sexes, young and old, were buried beneath the ruins. The sailor, whistling and swearing, cried, AFBk it, there's something to be got here.@ AWhat can be the sufficient reason of this phenomenon?@ said Pangloss. AIt must be the Day of Judgment,@ said Candide. The sailor, defying death in the pursuit of plunder, rushed into the midst of the ruin, where he found some money, with which he got drunk, and, after he had slept himself sober he purchased the favors of the first good-natured wench that came in his way, amidst the ruins of demolished houses and the groans of half-buried and expiring persons. Pangloss pulled him by the sleeve. AFriend,@ said he, Athis is not right, you trespass against the universal reason, and have mistaken your time.@ ADeath and God=s wounds!@ answered the other, AI am a sailor and was born at Batavia, and have trampled four times upon the crucifix in as many voyages to Japan; you have come to the wrong person with your universal reason.@ In the meantime, Candide, who had been wounded by some pieces of stone that fell from the houses, lay stretched in the street, almost covered with rubbish. AFor God's sake,@ said he to Pangloss, Aget me a little wine and oil! I am dying.@
10 An a priori truth is a truth that is not established on the basis of experience but is
logically prior to experience, because it is the kind of truth that must be assumed (like rules of
logic) if we are to be coherent in speaking about anything at all. Truths arising from experience
are termed a posteriori truths.
AThis concussion of the earth is no new thing,@ said Pangloss, Athe city of Lima in South America experienced the same last year; the same cause, the same effects; there is certainly a train of sulphur all the way underground from Lima to Lisbon.@ ANothing is more probable,@ said Candide; Abut for the love of God a little oil and wine.@ AProbable!@ replied the philosopher, AI maintain that the thing is demonstrable.@ Candide fainted away, and Pangloss fetched him some water from a neighboring spring. The next day, in searching among the ruins, they found some food with which they repaired their exhausted strength. After this they assisted the inhabitants in relieving the distressed and wounded. Some, whom they had humanely assisted, gave them as good a dinner as could be expected under such terrible circumstances. The repast, indeed, was mournful, and the company moistened their bread with their tears; but Pangloss endeavored to comfort them under this affliction by affirming that things could not be otherwise that they were. AAll this,@ he said, Ais for the best end, for if there is a volcano at Lisbon it cannot be elsewhere; and it is impossible but things should be as they are, for everything is for the best.@ By the side of the tutor sat a little man dressed in black, who was one of the familiars^11 of the Inquisition. This person, provoking him with great politeness, said, APossibly, my good sir, you do not believe in original sin; for, if everything is best, there could have been no such thing as the Fall or punishment of man.@ Your Excellency will pardon me,@ answered Pangloss, still more politely; Afor the Fall of man and the curse consequent thereupon necessarily entered into the system of the best of worlds.@ AThat is as much as to say, sir,@ rejoined the familiar, Ayou do not believe in free will.@ AYour Excellency will be so good as to excuse me,@ said Pangloss, Afree will is consistent with absolute necessity; for it was necessary we should be free, for in that the willB@ Pangloss was in the midst of his proposition, when the familiar beckoned to his attendant to help him to a glass of port wine.
Chapter 6 - How the Portuguese Made a Superb Auto-Da-Fé to Prevent Any Future Earthquakes, and How Candide Underwent Public Flagellation
After the earthquake, which had destroyed three-fourths of the city of Lisbon, the sages of that country could think of no means more effectual to preserve the kingdom from utter ruin than to entertain the people with an auto-da-fé^12 , it having been decided by the University of Coimbra, that the burning of a few people alive by a slow fire, and with great ceremony, is an infallible preventive of earthquakes.
In consequence thereof they had seized on a Biscayan for marrying his godmother, and on two Portuguese for taking out the bacon of a fried chicken they were eating^13 ; after dinner they came and secured Dr. Pangloss, and his pupil Candide, the one for speaking his mind, and the other for seeming to approve what he had said. They were conducted to separate cool apartments, remote from the glare of the sun. Eight days afterwards they were each dressed in a san-benito , and their heads were adorned with paper miters. The miter and san-benito worn by Candide were painted with flames reversed and with devils that had neither tails nor claws; but Dr. Pangloss's devils had both tails and claws, and his flames were upright.
11 Undercover agents engaged in ferreting out heretics; Pangloss is the victim of a
spiritual Asting@ operation.
12 Literally an Aact of faith@, involving public confession, foregiveness, and often
immolation by fire.
13 Removing the bacon raised the suspicion that they were Jews.
exclamations. The old woman desired them to make less noise, and after this prudent admonition left them together. AGood heavens!@ cried Candide, Ais it you? Is it Cunégonde I behold, and alive? Do I find you again in Portugal? then you have not been raped? they did not rip open your body, as the philosopher Pangloss informed me?@ AIndeed but they did,@ replied Cunégonde; Abut these two accidents do not always prove mortal.@ ABut were your father and mother killed?@ AAlas!@ answered she, Ait is but too true!@ and she wept. AAnd your brother?@ AAnd my brother also.@ AAnd how came you into Portugal? And how did you know of my being here? And by what strange adventure did you contrive to have me brought into this house? And howB@ @I will tell you all,@ replied the lady, Abut first you must acquaint me with all that has befallen you since the innocent kiss you gave me, and the rude kicking you received in consequence of it.@ Candide, with the greatest submission, prepared to obey the commands of his fair mistress; and though he was still filled with amazement, though his voice was low and tremulous, though his back pained him, yet he gave her a simple account of everything that had befallen him since the moment of their separation. Cunégonde, with her eyes uplifted to heaven, shed tears when he related the death of the good Anabaptist, Jacques, and of Pangloss; after which she related her adventures to Candide, who lost not one syllable she uttered, and seemed to devour her with his eyes all the time she was speaking.
Chapter 8 - Cunégonde's Story
I was in bed, and fast asleep, when it pleased Heaven to send the Bulgarians to our delightful castle of Thunder-ten-tronckh, where they murdered my father and brother, and cut my mother in pieces. A tall Bulgarian soldier, six feet high, perceiving that I had fainted away at this sight, attempted to rape me; the operation brought me to my senses. I cried, I struggled, I bit, I scratched, I would have torn the tall Bulgarian's eyes out, not knowing that what was happening at my father's castle was nothing out of the ordinary. The brutal soldier, enraged at my resistance, gave me a wound in my left leg with his hanger, the mark of which I still carry.@ AI would really like to see it,@ said Candide, with all imaginable simplicity. AYou shall,@ said Cunégonde, Abut let me proceed.@ APray do,@ replied Candide. She continued. AA Bulgarian captain came in, and saw me weltering in my blood, and the soldier still as busy as if no one had been present. The officer, enraged that the fellow did not come to attention, killed him with one stroke of his saber as he lay upon me. This captain took care of me, had me cured, and carried me as a prisoner of war to his quarters. I washed what little linen he possessed, and cooked his food: he was very fond of me, that was certain; neither can I deny that he was well made, and had a soft white skin, but he was very stupid and knew nothing of philosophy: it might plainly be perceived that he had not been educated under Dr. Pangloss. In three months, having gambled away all his money, and having grown tired of me, he sold me to a Jew, named Don Issachar, who traded in Holland and Portugal, and was passionately fond of women. This Jew showed me great kindness, in hopes of gaining my favors; but he never could prevail on me to yield. A modest woman may have been raped; but her virtue is only greatly strengthened by the experience. In order to make sure of me, he brought me to this country house you now see. I had hitherto believed that nothing could equal the beauty of the castle of Thunder-ten-tronckh; but I found I was mistaken. AThe Grand Inquisitor saw me one day at Mass, ogled me all the time of service, and when it was over, sent a messenger to let me know he wanted to speak with me about some private business. I was conducted to his palace, where I told him all my story; he represented to me how much it was beneath a person of my birth to belong to someone who was circumcised. He caused a proposal to be made to Don Issachar, that he should resign me to His Lordship. Don Issachar, being the court banker and a man of
credit, was not easy to be prevailed upon. His Lordship threatened him with an auto-da-fé and my Jew was frightened into a compromise; it was agreed between them, that the house and myself should belong to both in common; that the Jew should have Monday, Wednesday, and the Sabbath to himself; and the Inquisitor the other four days of the week. This agreement has subsisted almost six months; but not without several debates about whether the space from Saturday night to Sunday morning belonged to the old or the new law. For my part, I have hitherto withstood them both, and truly I believe this is the very reason why they are both so fond of me. AAt length to turn aside the scourge of earthquakes and to intimidate Don Issachar, My Lord Inquisitor was pleased to celebrate an auto-da-fé. He did me the honor to invite me to the ceremony. I had a very good seat; and refreshments of all kinds were offered the ladies between Mass and the execution. I was dreadfully shocked at the burning of the two Jews, and the honest Biscayan who married his godmother; but how great was my surprise, my consternation, and concern, when I beheld a figure so like Pangloss, dressed in a san-benito and miter! I rubbed my eyes, I looked at him attentively. I saw him hanged and I fainted away: scarce had I recovered my senses, when I saw you stripped of clothing; this was the height of horror, grief, and despair. I must confess to you for a truth, that your skin is whiter and more blooming than that of the Bulgarian captain. This spectacle worked me up to a pitch of distraction. I screamed out and would have said, >Hold, barbarians!= but my voice failed me; and indeed my cries would have signified nothing. After you had been severely whipped, I said to myself, >How is it possible that the lovely Candide and the wise Pangloss should be at Lisbon, the one to receive a hundred lashes, and the other to be hanged by order of My Lord Inquisitor, of whom I am so great a favorite? Pangloss deceived me most cruelly, in saying that everything is for the best.= AThus agitated and perplexed, now distracted and lost, now half dead with grief, I turned over in my mind the murder of my father, mother, and brother, committed before my eyes; the insolence of the rascally Bulgarian soldier; the wound he gave me in the groin; my servitude; my being a cook-wench to my Bulgarian captain; my subjection to Don Issachar, and my cruel Inquisitor; the hanging of Doctor Pangloss; the miserere sung while you were being whipped; and particularly the kiss I gave you behind the screen, the last day I ever beheld you. I returned thanks to God for having brought you to the place where I was, after so many trials. I charged the old woman who attends me to bring you here as soon as was convenient. She has punctually executed my orders, and I now enjoy the inexpressible satisfaction of seeing you, hearing you, and speaking to you. But you must certainly be half-dead with hunger; I myself have a great inclination to eat. Let us sit down to supper.@ Upon this the two lovers immediately placed themselves at table, and, after having supped, they returned to seat themselves again on the magnificent sofa already mentioned, where they were in amorous dalliance, when Senor Don Issachar, one of the masters of the house, entered unexpectedly; it was the Sabbath day, and he came to enjoy his privilege and sigh forth his passion at the feet of the fair Cunégonde.
Chapter 9 - What Happened to Cunégonde, Candide, the Grand Inquisitor, and the Jew
This same Issachar was the most choleric little Hebrew that had ever been in Israel since the captivity of Babylon. AWhat,@ said he, Ayou Galilean slut? The Inquisitor was not enough for you, but this rascal must also come in for a share?@ In uttering these words, he drew out a long dagger, which he always carried about him, and never dreaming that his adversary had any arms, he attacked him most furiously; but our honest Westphalian had received from the old woman a handsome sword with the suit of clothes. Candide drew his rapier, and though he was very gentle and sweet-tempered, he laid the Israelite dead on the floor at the fair Cunégonde's feet. AHoly Virgin!@ cried she, Awhat will become of us? A man killed in my apartment! If the peace-officers come, we are undone.@
Cadiz. A fleet was then getting ready, and troops were assembling in order to reason with the reverend fathers, Jesuits of Paraguay, who were accused of having excited one of the Indian tribes in the neighborhood of the town of the Holy Sacrament, to revolt against the Kings of Spain and Portugal^14. Candide, having been in the Bulgarian service, performed the military exercise of that nation before the general of this little army with so intrepid an air, and with such agility and expedition, that he received the command of an infantry company. Being now made a captain, he embarked with Cunégonde, the old woman, two valets, and the two Andalusian horses, which had belonged to the Grand Inquisitor of Portugal. During their voyage they occupied themselves with many profound reasonings on poor Pangloss's philosophy. AWe are now going into another world, and surely it must be there that everything is for the best; for I must confess that we have had some reason to complain of what passes in ours, both in the physical and the moral part. Though I have a sincere love for you,@ said Cunégonde, Ayet I still shudder at the reflection of what I have seen and experienced.@ AAll will be well,@ replied Candide, Athe sea of this new world is already better than our European seas: it is smoother, and the winds blow more regularly.@ AGod grant it,@ said Cunégonde, Abut I have met with such terrible treatment in this world that I have almost lost all hopes of a better one.@ AWhat murmuring and complaining is here indeed!@ cried the old woman. AIf you had suffered half what I have, there might be some reason for it.@ Cunégonde could scarce refrain from laughing at the good old woman, and thought it droll enough to pretend to a greater share of misfortunes than her own. AAlas! my dear madam,@ said she, Aunless you had been raped by two Bulgarians, received two deep wounds in your belly, seen two of your own castles demolished, lost two fathers and two mothers, seen both of them barbarously murdered before your eyes, and had two lovers whipped at an auto-da-fé, I cannot see how you could be more unfortunate than I. Add to this, though born a baroness and bearing seventy-two quarterings, I have been reduced to the station of a scullery-maid.@
AMiss,@ replied the old woman, Ayou do not know my family as yet; but if I were to show you my behind, you would not talk in this manner but suspend your judgment.@ This speech raised a high curiosity in Candide and Cunégonde; and the old woman continued as follows.
Chapter 11 - The History of the Old Woman
I have not always been blear-eyed. My nose did not always touch my chin; nor was I always a servant. You must know that I am the daughter of Pope Urban X and of the Princess of Palestrina. Until the age of fourteen I was brought up in a castle, compared with which all the castles of the German barons would not have been fit for stabling, and one of my robes would have bought half the province of Westphalia. I grew up, and improved in beauty, wit, and every graceful accomplishment; and in the midst of pleasures, homage, and the highest expectations. I already began to inspire men with love. My breasts began to take form, and what breasts! white, firm, and shaped like the boobs of the Venus de Medici; my eyebrows were as black as jet, and as for my eyes, they darted flames and eclipsed the luster of the stars, as I was told by the poets of our part of the world. My maids, when they dressed and undressed me, used to fall into an ecstasy in viewing me before and behind; and all the men longed to be in their places. AI was contracted in marriage to a sovereign prince of Massa Carrara. Such a prince! as handsome as myself, sweet-tempered, agreeable, witty, and head over heels in love with me. I loved him, too, as our
14 Voltaire has shifted dates and locations about but the resistance of the Jesuits, like the
two Lisbon earthquakes, were matters of recent history.
sex generally love for the first time, with rapture, transport, and idolatry. The nuptials were prepared with pomp and magnificence; the ceremony was attended with feasts, carousals, and burlesques: all Italy composed sonnets in my praise, though not one of them was tolerable. I was on the point of reaching the summit of bliss, when an old marquise, who had been mistress to the Prince, my husband, invited him to drink chocolate. In less than two hours after he returned from the visit, he died of most terrible convulsions. But this is a mere trifle. My mother, distracted to the highest degree, and yet less afflicted than I, determined to absent herself for some time from so fatal a place. As she had a very fine estate in the neighborhood of Gaeta, we embarked on board a galley, which was gilded like the high altar of St. Peter's, at Rome. In our passage we were boarded by a Moroccan rover. Our men defended themselves like true soldiers of the Pope; they flung themselves upon their knees, laid down their arms, and begged the corsair to give them absolution at the point of death. The Moors soon stripped us as bare as we were born. My mother, my maids of honor, and myself, were served all in the same manner. It is amazing how quick these gentry are at undressing people. But what surprised me most was, that they made a rude sort of surgical examination of parts of the body which are sacred to the functions of nature. I thought it a very strange kind of ceremony; for thus we are generally apt to judge of things when we have not seen the world. I afterwards learned that it was to discover if we had any diamonds concealed. This practice had been established since time immemorial among those civilized nations that scour the seas. I was informed that the religious Knights of Malta never fail to make this search whenever any Moors of either sex fall into their hands. It is a part of the law of nations, from which they never deviate. AI need not tell you how great a hardship it was for a young princess and her mother to be made slaves and carried to Morocco. You may easily imagine what we must have suffered on board a corsair. My mother was still extremely handsome, our maids of honor, and even our common waiting-women, had more charms than were to be found in all Africa. As to myself, I was enchanting; I was beauty itself, and then I had my virginity. But, alas! I did not retain it long; this precious flower, which was to have been reserved for the beautiful Prince of Massa Carrara, was cropped by the captain of the Moorish vessel, a hideous black man who thought he was doing me a great favor. Indeed, both the Princess of Palestrina and myself must have had very strong constitutions to undergo all the hardships and violences we suffered before our arrival at Morocco. But I will not detain you any longer with such common things; they are hardly worth mentioning. AUpon our arrival at Morocco we found that kingdom deluged with blood. Fifty sons of the Emperor Muley Ishmael were each at the head of a party. This produced fifty civil wars of blacks against blacks, of browns against browns, of mulattoes against mulattoes and of all the permutations in between. In short, the whole empire was one continued scene of carnage. No sooner were we landed than a party of blacks, of a faction opposed to that of my captain, came to rob him of his booty. Next to the money and jewels, we were the most valuable things he had. I witnessed on this occasion such a battle as you never beheld in your cold European climates. The northern nations have not that fermentation in their blood nor that raging lust for women that is so common in Africa. The natives of Europe seem to have their veins filled with milk only; but fire and vitriol circulate in those of the inhabitants of Mount Atlas and the neighboring provinces. They fought with the fury of the lions, tigers, and serpents of their country to decide who should have us. A Moor seized my mother by the right arm, while my captain's lieutenant held her by the left; another Moor laid hold of her by the right leg, and one of our corsairs held her by the other. In this manner almost all of our women were dragged by four soldiers. AMy captain kept me behind him and with his drawn scimitar cut down everyone who opposed him; at length I saw all our Italian women and my mother mangled and torn in pieces by the monsters who contended for them. The captives, my companions, the Moors who took us, the soldiers, the sailors, the blacks, the whites, the mulattoes, and lastly, my captain himself, were all slain, and I remained alone expiring upon a heap of dead bodies. Similar barbarous scenes were transacted every day over the whole country, which is of three hundred leagues in extent, and yet they never missed the five stated times of prayer enjoined by their prophet Mahomet. I disengaged myself with great difficulty from the heap of corpses and managed to crawl to a large orange tree that stood on the bank of a neighboring rivulet, where I fell down exhausted with fatigue and overwhelmed with horror, despair, and hunger. My senses being
defend it, had bound themselves by an oath never to surrender the place. Being reduced to the extremity of famine, they found themselves obliged to kill our two eunuchs, and eat them rather than violate their oath. But this horrible repast soon failing them, they next determined to devour the women. AWe had a very pious and humane man, who gave them a most excellent sermon on this occasion, exhorting them not to kill us all at once. >Cut off only one of the buttocks of each of those ladies,= said he,
and you will fare extremely well; if you are under the necessity of having recourse to the same expedient again, you will find the like supply a few days hence. Heaven will approve of so charitable an action, and work your deliverance.= By the force of this eloquence he easily persuaded them, and all of us underwent the operation. The man applied the same balsam as they do to children after circumcision. We were all ready to give up the ghost. The Janissaries had scarcely time to finish the repast with which we had supplied them, when the Russians attacked the place by means of flat-bottomed boats and not a single Janissary was spared. The Russians paid no regard to the condition we were in; but there are French surgeons in all parts of the world, and one of them took us under his care, and cured us. I shall never forget, while I live, that as soon as my wounds were perfectly healed he propositioned me. In general, he desired us all to be of a good cheer, assuring us that the like had happened in many sieges and that it was commonplace in the conduct of war. AAs soon as my companions were in a condition to walk, they were sent to Moscow. As for me, I fell to the lot of a Boyar, who put me to work in his garden and gave me twenty lashes a day. But this nobleman having about two years afterwards been broken alive upon the wheel with about thirty others, for some court intrigues, I took advantage of the event, and made my escape. I traveled over a great part of Russia. I was a long time an innkeeper's servant at Riga, then at Rostock, Wismar, Leipzig, Cassel, Utrecht, Leyden, The Hague, and Rotterdam. I have grown old in misery and disgrace, living with only one buttock while remembering that I am the daughter of a Pope. I have been a hundred times upon the point of killing myself, but still I was fond of life. This ridiculous weakness is, perhaps, one of the dangerous principles implanted in our nature. For what can be more absurd than to persist in carrying a burden of which we wish to be eased? to detest and yet strive to preserve our existence? In a word, to caress the serpent that devours us and hug him close to our bosoms till he has gnawed into our hearts? AIn the different countries which it has been my fate to traverse, and at the many inns where I have been a servant, I have observed a prodigious number of people who held their existence in abhorrence, and yet I never knew more than twelve who voluntarily put an end to their miseryBthree blacks, four Englishmen, four citizens of Geneva, and a German professor named Robeck^16. My last place was with the Jew, Don Issachar, who put me in your service, my fair lady; to your fortunes I have attached myself and have been more concerned with your adventures than with my own. I should never have so much as mentioned the latter to you had you not a little piqued me on the head of sufferings and if it were not customary to tell stories on board a ship in order to pass away the time. AIn short, my dear miss, I have a great deal of knowledge and experience in the world, therefore take my advice: divert yourself, and prevail upon each passenger to tell his story, and if there is one of them all that has not cursed his existence many times, and said to himself over and over again that he was the most wretched of mortals, I give you permission to throw me headfirst into the sea.@
Chapter 13 - How Candide Was Obliged to Leave the Fair Cunégonde and the Old Woman
The fair Cunégonde, being thus made acquainted with the history of the old woman's life and adventures, paid her all the respect and civility due to a person of her rank and merit. She very readily acceded to her proposal of engaging the passengers to relate their adventures in their turns, and she and Candide were compelled to acknowledge that the old woman was in the right.
16 Johann Robeck, author of a treatise advocating suicide, who acted on his principles in
AIt is a thousand pities,@ said Candide, Athat the wise Pangloss should have been hanged contrary to the custom of an auto-da-fé, for he would have given us a most admirable lecture on the moral and physical evil which overspreads the earth and sea; and I think I would have had courage enough to presume to offer (with all due respect) some few objections.@ While everyone was reciting his adventures, the ship continued on her way, and at length arrived at Buenos Aires, where Cunégonde, Captain Candide, and the old woman landed and went to wait upon the governor, Don Fernando d=Ibaraa y Figueora y Mascarenes y Lampourdos y Souza. This nobleman carried himself with a haughtiness suitable to a person who bore so many names. He spoke with the most noble disdain to everyone, carried his nose so high, strained his voice to such a pitch, assumed so imperious an air, and stalked about with so much loftiness and pride, that everyone who had the honor of conversing with him was violently tempted to kick him. He was immoderately fond of women, and Cunégonde appeared in his eyes a paragon of beauty. The first thing he did was to ask her if she was not the Captain's wife. The air with which he made this demand alarmed Candide, who did not dare to say he was married to her, because indeed he was not; neither did he venture to say she was his sister, because she was not; and though a lie of this nature proved of great service to one of the ancients, and might possibly be useful to some of the moderns, yet the purity of his heart would not permit him to violate the truth. AMiss Cunégonde,@ replied he, Ais to do me the honor to marry me, and we humbly beseech Your Excellency to condescend to grace the ceremony with your presence.@ Don Fernando d=Ibaraa y Figueora y Mascarenes y Lampourdos y Souza, twirling his mustache and putting on a sarcastic smile, ordered Captain Candide to go and review his company. The gentle Candide obeyed, and the Governor was left with Cunégonde. He made her a strong declaration of love, protesting that he was ready to give her his hand in the face of the Church, or otherwise, as should appear most agreeable to a young lady of her prodigious beauty. Cunégonde desired leave to retire a quarter of an hour to consult the old woman, and determine how she should proceed. The old woman gave her the following counsel: AMiss, you have seventy-two quarterings in your arms, it is true, but you have not a penny to bless yourself with. It is your own fault if you do not become the wife of one of the greatest noblemen in South America, the owner of an exceeding fine mustache. What business have you to pride yourself upon an unshaken constancy? You have been outraged by a Bulgarian soldier; a Jew and an Inquisitor have both tasted of your favors. People take advantage of misfortunes. I must confess, were I in your place, I should give my hand to the Governor without the least scruple and thereby make the fortune of the brave Captain Candide.@ While the old woman was thus haranguing, with all the prudence that old age and experience furnish, a small ship entered the harbor, in which was a royal official and some police officers. Matters had fallen out as follows. The old woman rightly guessed that the Franciscan with the long sleeves was the person who had taken Cunégonde's money and jewels while they and Candide were at Badajoz in their flight from Lisbon. This same friar attempted to sell some of the diamonds to a jeweler, who recognized that they belonged to the Grand Inquisitor, and confiscated them. The Franciscan, before he was hanged, acknowledged that he had stolen them and described his victims and the road they had taken. The flight of Cunégonde and Candide was already the talk of the town. A party was sent in pursuit of them to Cadiz; and the vessel had now reached the port of Buenos Aires. A report was spread that an official was going to land, and that he was seeking the murderers of My Lord, the Inquisitor. The wise old woman immediately saw what was to be done. AYou cannot run away,@ said she to Cunégonde, Abut you have nothing to fear; it was not you who killed My Lord Inquisitor: besides, as the Governor is in love with you, he will not suffer you to be ill-treated; therefore stand your ground.@ Then hurrying away to Candide, she said, ABe gone hence this instant, or you will be burned alive.@ Candide found there was no time to be lost; but how could he part from Cunégonde, and whither must he fly for shelter?
Immediately they conducted Candide to a beautiful pavilion adorned with a colonnade of green marble, spotted with yellow, and with an intertexture of vines, which served as a kind of cage for parrots, humming birds, guinea hens, and all other curious kinds of birds. An excellent breakfast was provided in vessels of gold; and while the Paraguayans were eating coarse Indian corn out of wooden dishes in the open air, and exposed to the burning heat of the sun, the Reverend Father Commandant retired to his cool arbor. He was a very handsome young man, round-faced, fair, and fresh-colored, his eyebrows were finely arched, he had a piercing eye, the tips of his ears were red, his lips vermilion, and he had a bold and commanding air; but such a boldness as neither resembled that of a Spaniard nor of a Jesuit. He ordered Candide and Cacambo to have their arms restored to them, together with their two Andalusian horses. Cacambo gave the poor beasts some oats to eat close by the arbor, keeping a strict eye upon them all the while for fear of surprise. Candide kissed the hem of the Commandant's robe, and they sat down to table. AIt seems you are a German,@ said the Jesuit to him in that language. AYes, Reverend Father,@ answered Candide. As they pronounced these words they looked at each other with great amazement and with an emotion that neither could conceal. AFrom what part of Germany do you come?@ said the Jesuit. AFrom the dirty province of Westphalia,@ answered Candide. AI was born in the castle of Thunder-ten-tronckh.@ AOh heavens! is it possible?@ said the Commandant. AWhat a miracle!@ cried Candide. ACan it be you?@ said the Commandant. On this they both drew a few steps backwards, then running into each other's arms, embraced, and wept profusely. AIs it you then, Reverend Father? You are the brother of the fair Cunégonde? You that was slain by the Bulgarians! You the Baron's son! You a Jesuit in Paraguay! I must confess this is a strange world we live in. O Pangloss! what joy would this have given you if you had not been hanged.@ The Commandant dismissed his slaves, and the Paraguayans who presented them with liquor in crystal goblets. He returned thanks to God and St. Ignatius a thousand times; he clasped Candide in his arms, and both their faces were bathed in tears. AYou will be more surprised, more affected, more transported,@ said Candide, Awhen I tell you that Cunégonde, your sister, whose belly was supposed to have been ripped open, is in perfect health. She is not far from here, with the Governor of Buenos Aires; and I myself was going to fight against you.@ Every word they uttered during this long conversation was productive of some new matter of astonishment. Their souls fluttered on their tongues, listened in their ears, and sparkled in their eyes. Like true Germans, they continued a long while at table, waiting for the Reverend Father; and the Commandant spoke to his dear Candide as follows.
15 - How Candide Killed the Brother of His Dear Cunégonde
ANever while I live shall I lose the remembrance of that horrible day on which I saw my father and mother barbarously butchered before my eyes, and my sister raped. When the Bulgarians retired we searched in vain for my dear sister. She was nowhere to be found; but the bodies of my father, mother, and myself, with two servant maids and three little boys, all of whom had been murdered by the remorseless enemy, were thrown into a cart to be buried in a Jesuit chapel two leagues from our family seat. A Jesuit sprinkled us with some holy water, which was confounded salty and a few drops of it went into my eyes; the father perceived that my eyelids stirred a little; he put his hand upon my breast and felt my heartbeat; upon which he gave me proper assistance, and at the end of three weeks I was perfectly recovered. You know, my dear Candide, I was very handsome; I became still more so, and the Reverend Father Croust, superior of that house, took a great fancy to me; he gave me the habit of the order, and some years
afterwards I was sent to Rome. Our General stood in need of new recruits of young German Jesuits. The sovereigns of Paraguay admit as few Spanish Jesuits as possible; they prefer those of other nations, as being more obedient to command. The Reverend Father General looked upon me as a proper person to work in that vineyard. I set out in company with a Pole and a Tyrolese. Upon my arrival I was honored with a subdeaconship and a lieutenancy. Now I am colonel and priest. We shall give a warm reception to the King of Spain's troops; I can assure you they will be well excommunicated and beaten. Providence has sent you hither to assist us. But is it true that my dear sister Cunégonde is with the Governor of Buenos Aires?@ Candide swore that nothing could be more true; and the tears began again to trickle down their cheeks. The Baron knew no end of embracing Candide, be called him his brother, his deliverer. APerhaps,@ said he, Amy dear Candide, we shall be fortunate enough to enter the town, sword in hand, and recover my sister Cunégonde.@ AAh! that would crown my wishes,@ replied Candide; Afor I intended to marry her; and I hope I shall still be able to effect it.@ AYou insolent dog!@ cried the Baron. AYou have the impudence to marry my sister, who bears seventy-two quarterings! Really, I think you are insufferably arrogant to dare so much as to mention such an idea to me.@ Candide, terrified by this speech, answered: AReverend Father, all the quarterings in the world are of no significance. I have delivered your sister from a Jew and an Inquisitor; she is under many obligations to me, and she is resolved to give me her hand. My master, Pangloss, always told me that mankind are by nature equal. Therefore, you may depend upon it that I will marry your sister.@ AWe shall see to that, villain!@ said the Jesuit, Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, and struck him across the face with the flat side of his sword. Candide in an instant drew his rapier and plunged it up to the hilt in the Jesuit's body; but in pulling it out reeking hot, he burst into tears. AGood God!@ cried he, AI have killed my old master, my friend, my brother-in-law. I am the best man in the world, and yet I have already killed three men, and of these three, two were priests.@ Cacambo, who was standing sentry near the door of the arbor, instantly ran up. ANothing remains,@ said his master, Abut to sell our lives as dearly as possible; they will look into the arbor sooner or later; we must die sword in hand.@ Cacambo, who had seen many adventures, was not discouraged. He stripped the Baron of his Jesuit's habit and put it upon Candide, then gave him the dead man's three-cornered cap and made him mount on horseback. All this was done as quick as thought. AGallop, master,@ cried Cacambo; Aeverybody will take you for a Jesuit going to give orders; and we shall have passed the frontiers before they will be able to overtake us.@ He flew as he spoke these words, crying out aloud in Spanish, AMake way; make way for the Reverend Father Colonel.@
Chapter 16 - What Happened to Our Two Travelers with Two Girls, Two Monkeys, and the Savages Called Oreillons
Candide and his valet had already passed the frontier before it was known that the German Jesuit was dead. The wary Cacambo had taken care to fill his knapsack with bread, chocolate, some ham, some fruit, and a few bottles of wine. They penetrated with their Andalusian horses into a strange country, where they could discover no beaten path. At length a beautiful meadow, intersected by purling streams, opened to their view. Cacambo proposed to his master to take some nourishment, and set him an example. AHow can you desire me to feast upon ham, when I have killed the Baron's son and am doomed never more to see the beautiful Cunégonde? What will it avail me to prolong a wretched life that must be
