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The material for this book was drawn from the personal experiences of recovering addicts within the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. The text ...
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OUR N.A. SYMBOL...........................Frontispiece
FORWARD............................................ I
INTRODUCTION...................................... ii
WHO IS AN ADDICT?...................................
WHAT IS THE NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS PROGRAM?........... 5
WHY ARE WE HERE?....................................
HOW IT WORKS...................................... 10
WHAT CAN I DO?.................................... 25
THE TWELVE TRADITIONS OF N.A. .....................
RECOVERY AND RELAPSE...............................
WE DO RECOVER......................................
JUST FOR TODAY.....................................
MORE WILL BE REVEALED..............................
"The full fruit of a labor of love lives in the harvest, and that always comes in its right season..."
The material for this book was drawn from the personal experiences of recovering addicts within the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. The text is based on an outline derived from the pamphlet (our "white book"), "Narcotics Anonymous." The first eight chapters are based on the topic headings in the it white book" and carry the same title. We have included a ninth chapter, 'Just for Today,' and a tenth chapter, 'More Will Be Revealed.' The remainder of the text was comprised of personal stories and appendices. Following is a brief history of the book Narcotics Anonymous was formed in July 1953 with the first meeting held in Southern California. The Fellowship grew erratically, but quick- ly spread to various parts of the United States. From the beginning while membership was still very small and the need was seen for a "book on recovery" to help strengthen the Fellowship. The pamphlet, "Narcotics Anonymous," was published in 1962. However, the Fellowship still had little structure and the 1960's were a period of struggle. Membership grew rapidly for a time, and then began to decline. The need for more specific direction was readily apparent. N.A. demonstrated its maturity in 1972 when a World Service Office was opened in Los Angeles. The W.S.O. has brought the needed unity and sense of purpose to the Fellowship. The opening of W.S.O. brought stability to the growth of the Fellowship. Today, there are many thousand recovering addicts in hundreds of meetings all across the United States and in many foreign countries. Today, the World Service office truly serves a worldwide Fellowship. Narcotics Anonymous has long recognized the need for a complete text on addiction - a book about addicts, by addicts and for addicts, which would serve us much like the A.A. "Big Book" has served that Fellowship. This effort was strengthened shortly after the formation of W.S.O. with the publication of The N.A. Tree, a pamphlet on service work. This pamphlet the original "service manual" of the Fellowship. It has been followed by subsequent and more comprehensive volumes, and now the N.A. Service manual. The manual outlined a service structure which included a World Service Conference. The W.S.C., in turn, included a Literature commit-
This book is the shared common and personal experience of the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. We welcome you to read this text, trusting that you will choose to share with us the new life we have found. We have by no means found a "cure" for addiction. We offer only a proven plan for daily recovery. In N.A., we follow a program adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous. In the last forty-five years, more than one million people have recovered in A.A., most of them just as hopelessly addicted to alcohol as we were to drugs. We are grateful to the A.A. fellowship for showing us the way to a new life. The Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous, as adapted from A.A., are the basis of our recovery program. We have only broadened the perspec- tive of addiction. We follow the same path with a single exception; our identification as addicts is all-inclusive in respect to any mood-chang- ing, mind- altering substance. "Alcoholism" did not cover the total spec- trum as comprehensively as does addiction. We believe that we have been guided by a Greater Consciousness as a Fellowship, and are grate- ful for the Direction that has enabled us to build upon an already- proven program of recovery. We have come to Narcotics Anonymous by various means and believe that as our common denominator is that we failed to come to terms with our addictions, however varied. Because of the degree and variety of addictions found within our Fellowship, we have approached the solution contained within this book in general terms. We pray that we have been searching and thorough, so that every addict who reads this volume will find the hope we have found. Based on our collective experience, we believe that every addict, includ- ing the "potential" addict, suffers from an incur- able disease of body, mind and spirit. We were in the grip of a hopeless dilemma. The solu- tion of which is spiritual in nature. Therefore, this book will deal in great part with spiritual matters. We are not a religious organization. our program is a set of spiritual principles through which we are recovering from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Throughout the compiling of this work, the pre- vailing theme has been the conscious prayer and meditation "GOD, grant us knowledge that we may write according to Your Divine precepts; instill in us a sense of Your purpose, make us servants of Your will and grant us a bond of selflessness that this may truly be Your work, not ours, in order that no addict, anywhere, need die from the horrors of addiction."
Everything that occurs in. the course of N.A. service must be motivated by the desire to more successfully carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers. It was for this reason that we began this work. We must always remember that as individual members, groups, and service committees, we are not, and should never be, in competition with each other. We work separately and together to help the newcomer and for our common good. We have learned, painfully, that internal strife cripples our Fellowship; it prevents us from providing the services necessary for growth. It is our hope that this book will help the suffering addict find the solu- tion we have found. our purpose is to remain clean, just for today, and to carry the message of recovery.. Thank you, WORLD LITERATURE CONFERENCE IIIWORLD SERVICE CON- FERENCE - LITERATURE COMMITTEE, NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS
lacked the ability to cope with day-today affairs. As our addiction caught up to us, we found ourselves in and out of hospitals, jails and institutions more and more. Because of these experiences, we began to realize how screwed up our lives really were. Drugs could no longer hide the pain. We just wanted an easy way out. Suicide was on many of our minds. Our suicide attempts were often feeble, and only helped to contribute to our feelings of worthlessness. Part of ourselves could see what was happening; another part would not accept it. We were caught in an illusion of "what if," "if only," and "just one more try." We remember going through a lot of pain and despair before consider- ing the possible connection between drugs and our misery. We had used all sorts of drugs over the years and experienced numerous living prob- lems as the result of our using and yet did not consider ourselves addicted. The problem was that most of the information available to us, before coming to the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous, came to us from misinformed people or others who also used heavily but did not consider themselves to be addicted. We did not see ourselves as being addicted, as long as we could periodically stop using for a day, a week, or even a month or more. We looked at the stopping, not the using. Of course, as our addiction progressed, we thought of stopping less and less. Many of us had reached the point where we saw ourselves hope- lessly deteriorating; by that time we asked ourselves, "Could it be the drugs?" Things did not get bad for some of us, at least on the outside. We never considered ourselves addicts, although some of us have used, misused and abused drugs for half of our lives or more. The term "drug addict" conjured up visions of street crime, fear of the law, and needles. Our belief was that the drug addict lived in a skid-row environment. We could not be addicts since we could not fit into that picture. We looked at our differences rather than our sameness. Yet the things we had in common put us all in the same dimension the dimension of addiction. Did we want to stop using and could we do it alone? What did we use and how did we use it? Did we "con" doctors for prescriptions, telling ourselves that it was O.K- to use these drugs because they were legal? Did we have more than one prescription being filled at the same time by different doctors? Did we need something to help us get going in the morning, or something to slow us down at night? Were we using illegal drugs and thinking there was nothing that could be done to kick the habit? Were we in trouble with friends, family, and/or the law because of drug-related incidents? Something inside said, "No more." We had begun to have silent thoughts that maybe the dope was killing us. In a rare moment of clari-
ty, we were able to look at the whole scene in all its insanity. we real- ized that drugs were enslaving us instead of setting us free. We were prisoners in our own mind, condemned to slow execution by our own sense of guilt. We had all but given up on ever getting help. Our previ- ous attempts to stay clean had always failed causing us many years of pain and misery. Our futures appeared hopeless until we found clean addicts who were willing to share. In the Fellowship of N.A., the desire to stop using was all that we needed in the beginning. Our recovery began with our first admission that needed help. Denial of our addiction is what kept us sick and honest admission of our addiction enabled us to stop using. we were able to open up and ask for help by attending meetings. We went to meetings and heard people sharing their feelings and realized that we had felt those feelings ourselves. We were no longer alone. People told us they were addicts and that they were recovering. If they could do it, so could we. We feel from our experience that each individual has to answer the question, "Am I an addict? "We began to accept ourselves as addicts when we made the connection between our drug use and our problems. We see many differences between us, but more importantly, we see similarities. The differing definitions of addiction are based on our "research" and personal experi- ence. It is not surprising that there are many areas of honest disagree- ment in defining addiction. Some definitions seem to fit the facts better than others. We know our own viewpoint, but need to listen to others in the hope that we might come to a better understanding of addiction and the addict. Addiction is a contradiction to living. It is a state of mind which relies on convincing ourselves that drugs are necessary to maintain our sense of well-being. For us, an addict is a person who uses drugs, in any form, to the extent that the individual cannot live normally with or without them. On one hand we sought feelings of superiority, and on the other, we accepted the most intolerable existence on earth. Some of the highs felt great, especially in the beginning, but the things we had to tolerate to support our habits reflected desperation. We sank to the depths of stealing, lying, prostituting ourselves, and cheating our friends. we manipulated people and conditions and tried to control all of their actions. We failed to realize that the need for control sprang from the fear of losing control. This fear, based in part on past failures and disappointments, prevented us from making meaningful choices. Our addiction involved more than drug use. It aggravated, our charac- ter defects and reinforced personality disorders. Failure and fear of fail- ure began to invade every area of our lives as our addiction progressed.
hero of the addict. Since many of us were street addicts, we dealt in illicit drugs and lived criminally. This could have something to do with our being different. Many of us have participated in sub-cultural or bizarre behaviors that, may have given us different experiences than those of the non-addict. The fact that those of us who have become addicted come from all levels of society is no guarantee that we will not end our addiction in jail or the graveyard. Miracles are performed everyday when the laws of nature are suspended. The most natural thing for an addict to do is to use. Everyday an addict does not use, a miracle happens. Yet an active addict's prognosis is poor. Ironically, drugs can also drive addicts past normal human limits, often helping them to win great fame or recognition, until their obsession burns them out. The drug-induced state can allow a person to exclude normal background awareness and to focus on a single point. At first, this can be like a handy magnifying glass used at will. Later, it can become a horrible sequence of all-consuming bits and pieces that rush up continually until we find ourselves powerless to control what is hap- pening. Prescription addicts are usually slow to recognize that they have a problem. Legal doses of prescribed medication can addict a per- son because of unknown side effects, combinations with other drugs or an inborn susceptibility to addiction. We could get high to relieve the pain of living, through the use of prescriptions, at school or at work. We found it difficult to face life so we used drugs as a means of escape. Addiction isolated us from people except for the getting, using, and find- ing ways and means to get more. Hostile, resentful, self-centered and self-seeking we cut off all outside interests from our lives. Anything not completely familiar became alien and dangerous. Our world shrank and isolation became our life. Non-addicts have great trouble understanding our dilemma. It is often nearly impossible to make sense of our behavior and the consuming drive to use, even after repeated and prolonged efforts to stay clean. Identification can guide us in our recovery, since we can see a little of ourselves in every addict. We thought of our addiction as hopeless before finding the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. Addiction is a treatable disease as soon as we begin to "treat" our addic- tion by working the Twelve Steps that have worked repeatedly, we experience very positive results. When our addiction is treated as a crime or moral deficiency, we become rebellious and are driven deeper into our isolation. Addicts who would otherwise waste away in institution very often respond to the love and fellowship offered in N.A. Ours is a proven pro- gram of recovery. We have no choice but to help one another, for the
assurance and strength of our own recovery lies in the helping of other addicts. The disease of addiction can also be seen in its social aspects. Addiction in its broadest sense is a disease of our times. It embraces all our social ills. Drug manufacture and the innovation of new drugs in modern times have created an availability of potentially addictive drugs never before known in the history of man. One of the ancient dreams of man seems to be coming true; the ability of modern drug technology to com- bat disease and alleviate human suffering. Hidden in this blessing, however, is a cruel reversal of effect which is our addiction. The innate susceptibility to our disease through genetic factors and complete knowledge of the sources of our behavioral inclinations is of no concern in our recovery through N.A. The "why" is not important; the "what to do" is our chief question. We feel it is important to share our experience, strength and hope with others who may suffer from our disease, letting them know what they can do, if they desire to recover. Although some of us have not been street addicts, many of us have, and we consider the street addict the most conspicuous and the most vulner- able to the more severe abuses resulting from the stigma with which addiction is branded. In many locations, street addicts are processed as habitual offenders when treatment of their disease could restore them to productive lives. We continued to use time and time again, despite the symptoms of withdrawal. There are many different symptoms of withdrawal from drugs. We can't list them all. We have, however, been addicted to thou- sands of drugs and know first hand how they feel and what the initial abstinence is like. In this,we can reassure each other and the newcomer that it will get better if they don't use. If we do use, in the face of with- drawal, the next time it will be worse. Addiction is chronic, progressive and fatal. The cycle can be broken by not taking that first fix, pill, drink, or toke. Like other incurable diseases, addiction can be arrested. We agree that there is nothing shameful about being an addict provided we accept our dilemma and honestly take action. We are willing to admit without reservation that we are "allergic" to drugs. Common sense tells us that it would be insane to go back to the source of our "allergy." We, as recovering addicts, can tell you that medicine cannot "cure" our illness. We regained good physical health many times only to relapse. Our past records show that it is impossible for us, as addicts, to use with control, no matter how well we may appear to be in control of our feelings. Social adjustments failed to bring about recovery. We thought a suit-
All of the psychological and social commentary ever written on this sub- ject has failed to answer this question thoroughly. Rather than enter the area of medical theory and legalities, we feel that it is more worth- while to discuss the answers we have found. Instead of concentrating on the problem, let's look at the solution. Narcotics Anonymous concerns itself with recovery. We all know how to use drugs. We know the effect they have had on us. The primary thing we are interested in is how to stay clean, how to cope with life without using, how to handle unpleasant feelings and emotions--in other words, how to get better. It was conceivable in our addictive thinking that something would work for us without any work on our part. That was how the drugs worked. How wrong we were. It has been our experience that the program works as long as we work it, just for today, to the beat of our ability. The mind begins to accept new ideas which lead to a new way of life as the grip of drugs and our past way of thinking and doing begins to relax. We find ourselves no longer pressed between those who use and those who don't in this new way of life. Our world constantly expands to include new associations and eventually we become members of society. Problems that had no solutions became transparent and unreal in the light of our new understanding. Old grudges and resentments fade as we loosen our sick point of view. A warm feeling of belonging replaces the hole in our gut left by our addictions. It is no accident--it's the way the program works. A miracle takes place as the drugs are washed from our bodies by daily abstinence and our minds begin to clear from the effects of our using. We come to understand that our recovery is a gift from a power greater than ourselves. We are made aware of this gift in a thousand ways. This power wants only that we realize ourselves as much as possible. The longer we stay clean, the more we will want to clear away the shame and falseness of our lives. It is a great gift to be a human being. What we have just been describing are some of the benefits involved in recovery. There is only one alternative to recovery and that is the pro- gression of our disease. The progression of our addiction has been com- pared to an elevator that is always going down. We have found that we can get clean at any level we want. Unfortunately, the nature of our disease makes us abnormally susceptible to rationalizing our addiction instead of dealing with the fact. If you are an addict, you can find a new life through the program that would not otherwise be possible. Many drugs require no extended period of use to trigger allergic reac- tions, although physical and mental tolerance can play a role. It is not how much we use that makes us addicts, but what it does to us. Certain
things follow as usage continues. Setting aside the physical effects of addiction, as the regularity of usage increases, we become accustomed to the state of mind common to addicts; we forget what it was like before we started using. We forget the social graces, acquire weird habits and mannerisms, forget how to work, forget how to express ourselves and show concern for others and we forget how to feel. We, as recovering addicts, have to relearn things forgotten and learn what we have missed. We may lose jobs, get divorced, lose friends and find ourselves unable to account for these changes, as our disease progresses. Generally, our use of drugs increases with all these changes or during intervals between changes. We can continue in this condition indefinitely, or as our using increases, progress rapidly in our addiction. If at any point we make the basic connection between our use of drugs and the way things have been going for us, we can begin recovery by admitting our need for help. We addicts value personal freedom highly. Perhaps because we want it so much and experience it so seldom in the progression of our illness. Even in periods of abstinence, freedom is curtailed. We are never quite sure that our choice of action is based on a conscious desire for contin- ued clean time or an unconscious wish is to return to using. Our addiction developed in us an emotional instability. We became very sluggish or glum without drugs. Some of us felt we had to have drugs to deal with our feelings. We felt, as if our world was hollow, dull, mean- ingless; that there was no purpose to life but to use and to find ways and means to get more. Some of us eventually landed in the mental hospitals, fearing for our sanity. What we learned behind the walls of the various institutions was that the most sincere and constructive efforts of medicine and psychiatry had few answers for us that we could use in achieving ongoing recovery. We, in the later stages, are usually the very last to recognize our need for help. The principle of one addict helping another pyramids and the solution to our dilemma has begun. We have also learned that there are few alternatives for the addict. If we continue to use, the problem will become progressively worse; we are on the path that leads to skid row, hospitals, jails, institutions or to an early grave. Incarceration and institutionalization sometimes led us to the realization that the drugs were letting us down. Where these drugs once had given us the feeling that we could handle what-ever situation that might come down, we became aware that these same drugs were largely responsible for our having gotten into our very worst predica- ments. Some of us hit many institutions and few or no jails. Some of us may spend the rest of our lives in jail for a drug-related crime or a
We can die from untreated addiction. But before we die, the disease takes from us our pride, our self-esteem, our families and loved ones. And finally, it takes our very will to live. We of Narcotics Anonymous were raised from hell to find that the pro- gram is a way of life. We know that a new life is laid out for us every day if we want it and don't use. A new place awaits us in the society that, during our using, offered only misgivings. We come to know suc- cess. We have found all this through dependence on a Power greater than ourselves, a group of our fellow addicts, and spiritual principles.
CHAPTER TWO WHAT IS THE NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS PROGRAM? N.A. is a non-profit fellowship or society of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem. We are recovered addicts who meet regularly to help each other stay clean. This is a program of complete abstinence from all drugs. There is only "One" requirement for member- ship, the honest desire to stop using. There are no musts in N.A. but we suggest that you keep an open mind and give yourself a break. Our pro- gram is a set of principles, written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives. The most important thing about them is that "They work." There are no strings attached to N.A. We are not affiliated with any other organizations, we have no leaders, no initiation fees or dues, no pledges to sign, no promises to make to anyone. We are not connected with any political, religious, or law enforcement groups, and are under no surveillance at any time. Anyone may join us regardless of age, race, color, creed, religion or lack of religion. We are not interested in what or how much you used or who your con- nections were, what you have done in the past, how much or how little you have, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help. The newcomer is the most important person at any meet- ing, because we can only keep what we have by giving it away. We have learned from our group experience that those who keep coming to our meetings regularly stay clean. The structure of Narcotics Anonymous is quite unlike any health or welfare agency known to us. Although N.A. practices may vary from place to place, all N.A. services are performed voluntarily by the addicts themselves and without cost. N.A. does not accept money for its service, is not funded by any public or private sources or agencies and accepts no outside contributions. Addicts respond instinctively to honest sharing. The fact that the addict can feel the unconditional love and judge for themselves the "qualifica-
tions" revealed in the stories of recovering addicts, awakens the notion that at last there might be hope. The newcomer loses his fear when he discovers that N.A. members give away the message of cleanliness in order to stay clean. We of Narcotics Anonymous are currently trying to bring about more communication, understanding, respect, and coopera- tion between N.A. and any professional person who works with addicts- -so that more and more addicts may be able to recover. With local groups in many communities we are part of an international fellowship. In the Fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous we make use of things that have worked for those who have gone before us the Twelve Steps, the principles and the many positive tools that enable us to make recovery possible. We have one primary purpose to stay clean and to help others who may turn to us for help. We are united by our common problem, addiction. Meeting, talking with, and helping other addicts, we are somehow able to stay clean and to lose the compulsion to use, once a dominant force in our lives. We are grateful also to see new people coming to meetings from the streets. There is nothing that compares to a new person freely talking about the pain and the endless hustle that goes on out there. As a result, Narcotics Anonymous has had more than twenty-five years of trial-and-error experience, face-to-face, with literally hundreds of thou- sands of addicts. This mass of intensive first hand experience with all kinds of problem drug users, in all phases of illness and recovery, is unparalleled in therapeutic value. Narcotics Anonymous is here to share freely with any addict who wants it. Narcotics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women for whom drugs in one form or another had become a major problem. We had become so physically, mentally and spiritually ill that we became crazed, depressed and terrified people. We were sick people. The grow- ing fellowship of N.A. supports us in our efforts of recovery. It gives us new friends who understand where we have been. Our message of recovery is based on our own experience. Before coming to the Fellowship, we exhausted ourselves trying to use successfully, or trying to find out what was wrong with us. After coming to the Narcotics Anonymous Fellowship, we find ourselves among a very spe- cial group of people. Many were a great deal worse off than we were. Here we found hope. If the Narcotics Anonymous program worked for them, it might work for us. We began to ask questions and listened a little more closely to the suggestions. After all there's a chance we could get a little relief. We do not think we are the only people who have alternatives to the problem of addiction, but we know that the N.A. program works for us.
