Positive Parenting Presentation Document, Essays (university) of Developmental Psychology

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Positive Parenting

Presentation Document, in fulfilment of 2-month internship

evaluation scheme, by:

Soumi Guha

CONTENT PAGE

NUMBER

Definition Of Parenting

Parenting Styles

Functions Of Parenthood

Parenting Tasks And Phases Of

Development

Definition Of Positive Parenting

The Five Principles Of Positive

Parenting

Top Parenting Challenges And Using

Positive Parenting To Deal With Them

Conclusion

References

PARENTING STYLES

Researchers have established that the pattern of interactions a parent adopts is an important variable in influencing the child‘s later development.

In a landmark series of observational studies, Diana Baumrind (1971, 1973) recorded the interpersonal and behavioural styles of nursery school children as they engaged in normal school activities. She also watched as they worked on a series of standardized problem- solving tasks, such as completing a set of puzzles. In addition, Baumrind gathered information on parenting styles by observing how mothers interacted with their children in both play and structured teaching settings, watching parents and their children in the home, and interviewing parents about their child-rearing practices. The children and parents were observed again when the children were 8 or 9 years old. Based on these extensive observations, Baumrind identified three distinct patterns of parenting: authoritarian, permissive/indulgent, authoritative. Baumrind found a cluster of behavioural characteristics in children linked with each parental style and the effects of each parenting style was found to extend to other dimensions of child development and reach into the adolescent years.

Maccoby and Martin (1983) expanded upon Baumrind‘s three styles of parenting by exploring the underlying processes of acceptance/responsiveness and demandingness/control (sometimes called ―permissiveness/restrictiveness‖) that parent‘s exhibit.

Parental Acceptance/responsiveness is the extent to which parents are sensitive to the individual characteristics and developmental needs of their children. It refers to the amount of support and affection that a parent displays. Parents classified as accepting and responsive often smile at, praise, and encourage their children. They express a great deal of warmth, even though they can become quite critical when a child misbehaves. Less accepting and relatively unresponsive parents are often quick to criticize, belittle, punish, or ignore a child. They rarely communicate to children that they are valued or loved.

The continuum of parental demandingness/control refers to parents‘ willingness to set limits for children‘s behaviour and to enforce consequences of violating these limits. It refers to the amount of regulation or supervision parents undertake with their children. Controlling/demanding parents place limits on their children‘s freedom of expression by imposing many demands. They actively monitor their children‘s behaviour to ensure that these rules are followed. Less controlling/ demanding parents are much less restrictive. They make fewer demands and allow children considerable freedom to pursue their interests and make decisions about their activities.

Thus, four parenting typologies were formed: authoritarian (demanding, unresponsive), permissive/indulgent (undemanding, responsive), authoritative (demanding, responsive) and additionally, neglectful (undemanding, unresponsive).

1) Authoritarian Parenting - Some parents are extremely restrictive and controlling. They value respect for authority and strict obedience to their commands and relied on coercive techniques (such as power assertion, love withdrawal, threats or physical punishment) rather than on reasoning or explaining why it is necessary to comply with all these regulations, to control their children‘s actions. Authoritarian parents are not sensitive to a child‘s differing viewpoints. Rather, they are domineering and expect the child to accept their word as law and respect their authority. They are also less nurturing toward their children than other parents in the study.

Children who had authoritarian parents appeared unhappy and did not exhibit social responsibility and independence; also, boys tended to be aggressive, whereas girls were likely to be dependent. Authoritarian parenting, especially with its use of coercive techniques for controlling behaviour, is associated with less advanced moral reasoning and less prosocial behaviour (Boyes & Allen, 1993; Krevans & Gibbs, 1996), lower self-esteem (Loeb, Horst, & Horton, 1980), and poorer adjustment to starting school (Barth, 1989). Extremely controlling parenting and the use of coercive techniques are also associated with higher levels of aggression in children (Maccoby & Martin, 1983), poor peer relations (Pettit et al., 1996; Putallaz, 1987), and lower school achievement in adolescence (Dornbusch et al., 1987). Although the adolescents of authoritarian parents may exhibit lower levels of conduct problems in the short term, they do exhibit higher levels of fearfulness, mood difficulties, aimlessness, and unfriendly and passively hostile interpersonal relationships, particularly within middle-class community samples.

2) Authoritative Parenting - This group of parents was high on both control and nurturance. These authoritative parents expected their children to behave maturely but tended to use rewards more than punishments to achieve their ends. They communicated their expectations clearly and provided explanations to help their children understand the reasons for their requests. They also listened to what their children had to say and encouraged a dialogue with them. Authoritative parents were distinctly supportive and warm in their interactions with their children. They will often seek their children‘s participation in family decision making. So, authoritative parents exercise control in a rational, democratic way that recognizes and respects their children‘s perspectives.

The offspring of authoritative parents were friendly with peers, cooperative with adults, independent, energetic, and achievement-oriented. They also displayed a high degree of self-control. This set of characteristics often is termed instrumental competence. By the time children reach adolescence, those with authoritative parents show more prosocial behaviours, fewer problem behaviours such as substance abuse, greater academic achievement, and higher self-confidence than

Why does authoritative parenting work so well?

Authoritative parenting is consistently associated with positive social, emotional, and intellectual outcomes. There are probably several reasons for this:

 First, authoritative parents are warm and accepting—they communicate a sense of caring concern that may motivate their children to comply with the directives they receive in a way that children of more aloof and demanding (authoritarian) parents are not. When parental demands are accompanied by reasonable explanations and clear, consistent guidelines for behaviour, the child‘s job of sorting out the social world becomes much easier and they are more likely to accept the limitations on their actions.

 Then there is the issue of how control is exercised. Unlike the authoritarian parent who sets inflexible standards and dominates the child, allowing little if any freedom of expression, the authoritative parent rationally exercises control, carefully explaining their point of view, while also considering the child‘s viewpoint. Demands that come from a warm, accepting parent and that appear to be fair and reasonable rather than illogical and dictatorial are likely to elicit committed compliance rather than complaining or defiance (Kochanska, 2002).

 Finally, authoritative parents take into account the child‘s responses, show affection, and are careful to tailor their demands to the child‘s ability to regulate their conduct. In other words, they set standards that children can realistically achieve and allow the child some freedom, or autonomy, in deciding how best to comply with these expectations. This kind of treatment carries a most important message— “You are a capable human being whom I trust to be self-reliant and accomplish important objectives.” Of course, feedback of this sort fosters the growth of self- reliance, achievement motivation, and high self-esteem in childhood. It is the kind of support that adolescents need to feel comfortable about exploring various roles and ideologies to forge a personal identity.

In sum, it appears that authoritative parenting—warmth combined with moderate and rational parental control—is the parenting style most consistently associated with positive developmental outcomes. Children need love and limits—a set of rules that help them to structure and evaluate their conduct. Without such guidance, they may not learn self- control and may become quite selfish, unruly, and lacking in clear achievement goals, particularly if their parents are also aloof or uncaring (Steinberg et al., 1994). But if they receive too much guidance and are hemmed in by inflexible restrictions, they may have few opportunities to become self-reliant and may lack confidence in their decision-making abilities (Steinberg, 2005; Steinberg et al., 1994).

A typological conceptualization of parenting styles based on the dimensions of warmth and control.

V. Providing Boundaries and Limits - Parenting also requires setting limits and boundaries in a developmentally and culturally appropriate manner. It involves helping children learn to self-manage their emotions and behaviour, to control impulsive behaviour and refrain from unacceptable behaviour (e.g., hitting, bullying, temper tantrums, and disobedience), and how to behave appropriately in varied social situations (e.g., visiting relatives, going shopping, attending ceremonies). It also involves providing consequences when children behave inappropriately. This requires parents to have clear expectations, rules, and planning strategies that they are prepared to use as needed to back up instruction or respond to challenging behaviour (e.g., planned ignorance of minor problems, brief removal of activity at the centre of a dispute, or strategies like quiet time or time-out for more serious situations). The type of backup consequences parents use varies as a function of the child‘s age and level of development, culturally-based values, and views on discipline methods.

VI. Teaching Life Skills and Mentoring - Parents are powerful role models, skills coaches and mentors, and educate their children in the life skills they deem necessary for survival and success in life. Active life skills coaching is a form of parental guidance and education that helps children learn necessary social skills, self-care, independence and autonomy. Parenting involves modelling, providing advice, verbal and physical guidance, and necessary instruction to children about specific skills children can use to handle particular situations they encounter in their everyday social world. This kind of active skills coaching can include but is not restricted to the following:

 Social skills (e.g., saying ―please‖ and ―thank you‖ when making requests, saying ―hello‖ and ―goodbye,‖ taking turns, being able to win and lose graciously);

 Effective communication and conflict management (e.g., communicating ideas, needs and opinions, making assertive requests, compromising and negotiating, being tactful);

 Compassion towards others (e.g., showing concern and helping others, being empathic);

 Problem-solving (e.g., finding out information to understand and solve a problem);

 Self-care (e.g., washing hands, cleaning teeth, using the toilet, using sanitary aids);

 Appropriate mealtime behaviours (e.g., using eating utensils, chewing with a closed mouth, table manners);

 Safe and respectful use of technology (e.g., following family and school rules relating to the use of devices, being aware of cyber safety, avoiding high-risk behaviours on social media);

 Financial literacy and job search skills (e.g., working for an allowance, saving, purchasing within a budget, looking for work, applying for jobs);

 Being an informed consumer (e.g., understanding advertising and costs of goods, creating shopping lists, checking change);

 Relationship and sexuality education (e.g., forming healthy relationships, dating, sexual anatomy, sexual identity, conveying healthy attitudes towards sexual activity, contraception, consent, and pornography).

VII. Being a Child Advocate - One aspect of being protective towards children involves advocating on their behalf to other carers, educators, medical and health care professionals and coaches (e.g., sports, performing arts) to ensure their needs are being met. This role can include speaking to professionals about children‘s needs (e.g., medication, diet, mobility, and learning). These can be difficult conversations for parents and professionals alike, particularly when the discussion is about a problem or crisis that needs to be addressed (e.g., acute health problem, problems in the classroom). As many children cannot advocate for themselves (e.g., young children, children with a disability), parents must undertake this responsibility on their behalf.

VIII. Supporting Children’s Education - Increasing evidence shows that parental involvement in children‘s education is related to how well children do in school both academically and socially (Powell, Son, File, & San Juan, 2010). Parents who have a good relationship with their child‘s educator are better able to advocate for their children (Sanders, Healy, Grice, & Del Vecchio, 2017). This includes communicating openly about any concerns they may have about their children (e.g., behaviour in class, learning problems, peer relationship difficulties, grades). Parents are then more likely to be aware of how to promote or enhance their child‘s learning outside of school hours and to support the school. Children tend to have fewer social or emotional problems at school when parents actively involve themselves in children‘s learning and education (Brotman, Basrjas-Gonzalez, Dawson-McClure, & Calzada, 2018; Kirby & Hodges, 2018). Parents who avoid contact with teachers or the school in general or make demands, escalate or intimidate teachers, tend to be more poorly informed about their children‘s education and can be socially isolated from other parents. Parents with personal histories of disliking or not doing well at school themselves often feel apprehensive, intimidated, anxious and/or avoidant about engaging with the school system. However, communicating effectively with teachers is an important

PARENTING TASKS AND PHASES OF DEVELOPMENT

There are specific tasks that parents undertake in each stage of development. The table below summarizes these tasks during the prenatal period, infancy, toddlerhood, preschool age, middle childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood.

Reproduced with permission from Sanders, M. R., & Mazzucchelli, T. R. (Eds.), The power of positive parenting: Transforming the lives of children, parents and communities. New York: Oxford University Press Parental tasks and responsibilities across the lifespan

DEFINITION OF POSITIVE PARENTING

Conventional parenting methods often pit parents against the child, as though they are rivals in a never-ending struggle for power and position. Parents often feel powerless to act, as they do not know how to achieve complex parenting goals, and feel like they are losing control over their children. Other times, feelings of discouragement and stress arise not because parents do not know how to go about the task of parenting, but rather because they find themselves unable to do so, as may be the case for single parents or couples raising children without the necessary support networks. This can lead to extreme situations which can hurt the entire family and especially its most vulnerable members. This naturally leads to a disconnection between family members and discontent in the home.

There is a need to replace the concept of parental authority, which focuses solely on meeting aims related to the child‘s obedience and discipline, with the much more complex and demanding concept of parental responsibility. Here, the key question is not whether the parent figure should exert the necessary authority to ensure a child‘s obedience. Rather, it is about how this authority can be exerted responsibly in a way that protects the child‘s rights - without of course neglecting the parents‘ rights - and that fosters the child‘s skills in critical thinking and participation in the socialisation process, while at the same time progressively fostering the child‘s autonomy and contribution to community life. The response to these concerns lies in positive parenting.

Positive parenting is a philosophy rooted in connection. It isn‘t just a method of discipline, but an entirely different way of relating to children that allows us to maintain a strong bond with them through the ages and stages of childhood while still raising kind and responsible people.

Positive parenting, as defined in the Recommendation 19 of the Committee of Ministers of the Council of Europe (2006) to the Member States on Policy to Support Positive Parenting, refers to “parental behaviour based on the best interests of the child that is nurturing, empowering, non-violent and provides recognition and guidance which involves the setting of boundaries to enable the full development of the child” (p.2, English version).” According to this definition, the parenting task aims to foster positive family relationships, based on the exercise of parental responsibility, to ensure the rights of children and adolescents in the family setting and optimise the development of their full potential and welfare.

Positive parenting is parenting that fosters healthy, protective and stable emotional bonds; provides a structured environment for growing up in, with routines and habits that are applied flexibly to transmit rules and values; offers stimulation, support and opportunities for learning; and is based on the recognition of the child‘s achievements and abilities and the provision of everyday guidance, all in a setting that is free of physical, verbal or emotional violence.

 Giving full, focused attention without distractions. The parent should be present at the moment.

 Providing lots of positive attention—talking, laughing, play, cuddles.

II. Respect

Children need to be treated in a thoughtful, civil, and courteous manner, just as we treat other people. We do not put them down, shame them, speak rudely or disrespectfully, threaten violence, or hit them. Those are not ―tough love‖ parenting techniques; they are bullying techniques. Children learn what they live, and if those techniques are used on them, they are likely to use them on someone else—imagining that they have their parents stamp of approval because they showed them how to do it.

Research has shown that children who have loving, nurturing parents have a bigger hippocampus, which promotes better memory, learning, and stress response. Therefore, we respect a child‘s mind by being nurturing and positive, respect a child‘s body and dignity by choosing not to hit them to cause deliberate pain for training purposes, respect a child‘s personhood when we give space to allow them to explore and develop at their own pace. We respect their spirit, acknowledging that each child comes with their unique spirit, which is to be honoured.

There are many ways to demonstrate respect to a child. Remember, by experiencing respect, children learn to show respect to others.

 Practice good communication skills—be a good listener.

 Respect their bodies. It‘s probably tempting to lick your finger and wipe a smudge off their face, but you‘d be grossed out if someone did that to you. We also unconsciously do things like swoop toddlers up without warning, brush or fix their hair without asking, etc. A good rule of thumb is to ask oneself if you‘d like to have it done to you without permission or warning.

 Allow them to make choices. Children are bossed around all day, and then the parents wonder why they have power struggles. Allowing them to make decisions about little things throughout their day helps them feel like they have some control and shows that the parents respect them.

 Be honest. One doesn‘t have to spill every detail if it isn‘t age-appropriate to do so, but one doesn‘t have to lie either. If the parent wants open, honest communication from a child, they have to model it.

 Apologize when one has wronged them. This goes a long way toward showing a child that parents too have respect for them—and it models good behaviour for when they wrong someone else.

 Respect their space and privacy according to one‘s good judgment.

 Avoid embarrassing them in front of their peers, in public, or online.

 Speak kindly about them to others, especially in their presence.

III. Proactive parenting

Proactive parents address potential problem behaviour at the first sign before it becomes a serious problem. They understand that by putting in extra time building the relationship and teaching upfront, they stop many problems that could have arisen from disconnection, lack of knowledge and instruction. Proactive parenting can be done in two ways:

 catching a potential problem before it gets out of hand, and  having a plan of action for when a problem arises.

To put proactive parenting into practice, the parents should set important boundaries early in the child‘s life, be aware of changes in the child‘s behaviours and potential problem behaviours, and create a plan of action for dealing with unwanted behaviours, particularly those that trigger parents‘ anger.

Proactive parenting also means that parents respond rather than react to their children‘s behaviours. Whereas reactive parents act impulsively, responsive parents are in control of themselves and able to execute a plan of action when a situation arises. For example, if a 3-year-old child is beginning to show signs of aggression during playdates, the proactive parent would start teaching them about emotion management, create a “calm-down area” for them, and set a limit of no aggressive behaviour. When the child shows the first sign of aggression the next time, the limit is upheld by taking them to “time-in,” or their calm- down area. The parent knows in advance what steps to take when aggression happens so the child can calmly handle the situation with ease.

To use time-in, the child is brought onto the parent‘s lap or to a “calm-down area” in one‘s home. A calm-down area at home may consist of books, a drawing pad, some objects for sensory play, and objects of relaxing activities like bubble wrap to pop. The parent should bring the child to this spot and sit with them to do some calming activities. Once the child has stopped crying or struggling against the parent to a state of calm and being receptive, the parent tells the child briefly what boundary they crossed and how they can better manage their behaviour. For instance, if they were throwing tantrums over wanting another cookie, the parent might say, “You were upset with me, so you screamed at me. I understand you feeling upset, but I won‟t let you scream at me like that. I don‟t like to be screamed at, just like you don‟t like it. The next time you‟re upset with me, I want you to come to the calm- down area and draw me a picture to show me how you feel.”

For example, a toddler who has discovered the joy of jumping on the couch isn‘t trying to misbehave. They are playing. Even so, the parent probably doesn‘t want them to jump on the couch, but when they tell the child to stop, they don‘t. This is signalling the need for a new boundary.

Another example is a school-aged child who is suddenly showing signs of aggression or displaying a disrespectful attitude after school. Yes, the behaviour must be corrected, but this is a clear sign that something is amiss inside the child. Finding out what is motivating the aggression or disrespect and helping them resolve the problem will end the bad behaviour.

 Step Two: Calm oneself and one’s child - Undisciplined parents cannot effectively discipline children, so they need to calm themselves down first and move from emotionally reactive to cognitively responsive before they deal with the problem at hand. Once calm, they can help the child to become calm. Time-in is helpful to calm the brain because of the close contact with the parent and soothing exercises such as reading and drawing. Some children may resist a time-in and prefer to be left alone. If this works to calm them, that‘s good. Parents should not force separation, as that can erode their connection, but giving a child the space they are asking for is respecting their needs. The parent should be ready to teach the lesson once the child is showing receptiveness toward them again.

 Step Three: Teach and problem-solve - For children under 4, the cognitive development to work through the problem-solving process hasn‘t happened yet, though certainly, the parent can talk through it as they solve the problem, for modelling purposes. For young children, holding the limit by removing the child from the situation or removing the object that is being thrown, for example, is enough. Teaching what the child can do is also appropriate for very young children “I won‟t let you throw in the house, but you can throw this ball in the yard.”, “I won‟t let you hit. You may stomp and wiggle the angries out.” When the child is between roughly 4 and 6, the parent can start teaching them how to problem-solve by asking the following questions to get the ball rolling: o What caused this to happen? o How did this make you feel? o What can you do the next time this happens? o How are you going to fix this?

TOP PARENTING CHALLENGES AND USING POSITIVE

PARENTING TO DEAL WITH THEM

Rebecca Eanes for her book Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide surveyed a group of more than 9000 parents, and asked them what the top behaviours were that made them lose their cool. In this section, we‘ll address those top five challenging behaviours, highlighting proactive parenting, one of the basic principles of positive parenting. By being proactive and preventing these five behaviours upfront, parents can make sure these challenges don‘t cause them to lose their cool.

1. Aggression

When parents meet aggression with aggression—a spanking for hitting a sibling, for instance—then nobody is really in control, and what‘s worse is that it sends the message that aggression is an acceptable response. This is the time for parents to discipline themselves first, make sure that they are in control of their emotions and that they‘re responding instead of reacting.

To be proactive about aggression:

 Ensure that the discipline being used isn‘t causing anxiety or frustration in the child. Fear often manifests as aggression, so if the discipline methods elicit fear, that fear comes out in aggressive behaviours. Use time-in and problem-solving in place of punishment.

(Refer to Page No.16 for a description of time-in.

Steps for practising problem solving or solution-oriented discipline:

o Look behind the behaviour. Parents should remember that behaviour is communication, so decipher what the child‘s behaviour is communicating about their internal state. o Discipline ourselves first. Parents should wait until they are calm and rational before they deal with the problem. o Connect with the child. The basic human needs of love and connection must be met before the brain is free to learn the lesson the parent wants to teach. o Seek a solution. Teach the child to be a problem solver, to right their wrongs and repair relationships. This approach serves them much better than just “making them pay.” o Restore and reconnect. The parents should make sure the child‘s self-worth is restored and they understand that mistakes are opportunities to learn and a bad decision doesn‘t mean they‘re a bad child. Parents should reconnect with their child through empathy and love and move forward in good spirits, leaving the mistake in the past.)