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CHARLIE’S AUNT
CHARACTERS
Jack Chesney: flashy, flamboyant, schemer but mostly good at heart, loves Kitty but also loves her money Charlie Wykeham: bookish, shy, honest, good-hearted, loves Amy sincerely Fancourt Babberly: silly, not so bright, easily lured into Jack’s schemes Amy Spettigue: sensible, quick-witted, good-hearted, loves Charlie Kitty Verdun: heiress under Spettigue’s charge, silly, not dumb but flutter-pated, loves Jack Sir Francis Chesney: Jack’s father, noble but broke, loving father but also somewhat selfish and scheming like his son. Stephen Spettigue: Amy’s father, brash, obnoxious lawyer, nouveau-riche , secretly after Kitty Verdun’s fortune Donna Lucia Salvador: Charlie’s aunt, cool, calm, firm, mature, fully in charge of her life Ela Salvador: orphan adopted by Donna Lucia, young and vivacious Brassett: unflappable valet, always polite with a hint of sarcasm PLACE St. Olde’s College, Oxford College, London - Jack Chesney’s rooms. Stately, but worn, with lot of oak paneling, velvet hangings, and ornate cream-colored heraldry and fittings. Doors opening to bedroom and outer corridor (with coat stands) opposite a bay window and recessed window seat. Furnishings include fireplace with mirrored mantle, upright piano, and conversation pit and writing table. The room is scattered with magazines and clothing as befitting a college boy’s cluttered dorm, clashing with the stately old furnishings. ACT I Music playing before lights: ‘Eaton Boating Song.” Lights come up on JACK CHESNEY sitting at writing desk in his bathrobe, pajamas and slippers, furiously writing with fountain pen, an unlit pipe upside-down clenched between his teeth. Crumpled up papers litter the floor around his chair. Music fades.
JACK
(Writing) Dearest Miss Verdun… too formal… My dearest Kitty, you are my darling… muffin? No, my darling… English muffin? Not quite. I must emphasize her sweet nature. (writing) Oh Kitty, my little apple-tart… no, no, no. Can’t call her a tart. Far too forward. (writing) My darling… cherry-tart? (Crumples up paper and tosses on floor, starts on new page) My darling little… (stops) Don’t you dare write ‘raspberry tart,’ Jack Chesney. (Looks at paper.) Too late. (Crumples up paper and tosses on floor.) My dear, dear, little… sausage roll and chips? (Throws down pen.) It’s no use! I’m trying to write a love letter and end up with a menu! It’s a mystery isn’t it? Why do I always associate my dearest love with food? (Brassett enters with covered tray.) BRASSETT Your bit of morning crumpet, sir? JACK What? Oh, yes. Put it there and leave me be. BRASSETT Of course, sir. (puts down tray and goes to wardrobe.) Your father is coming down to see you this afternoon to discuss… matters of finance. Would you prefer the blue blazer or the summer casual for tea? JACK Put me in a clown costume for all I care! I’m in love, Brassett! (Flings self on bed.) My darling Kitty! Kitty, Kitty, Kitty! BRASSETT (Aside) That reminds me, I must feed the cat. (To Jack.) I presume that your affection for Miss Verdun is the cause of your current whimsy?
The solicitor. Also known as the money-grubbing tight-fisted cut-your-throat-for-a-schilling thieving bastard. BRASSETT That does ring a bell, sir. JACK Old Spettigue would charge a man who dropped dead on his lawn a schilling for littering. Kitty is the heiress to the Verdun fortune. Millions of pounds in trust for when she reaches her twenty-first birthday. BRASSETT Very enterprising of you. JACK I don’t care about the money, man! But Old Spettigue can’t wait to get his grubby working-class mitts on that fortune. Getting his permission to woo Kitty is going to be like climbing Everest, and a lot colder. I have to play him very… delicately. So I’ve been waiting for the right opportunity. BRASSETT Three months is hardly forever, sir. JACK Three months in Scotland, Brassett! Three months surrounded by burly ginger men flexing their muscles. In skirts. BRASSETT I see the appeal, sir. JACK Anything could happen in three months! This is my only chance to… BRASSETT Yes, sir?
JACK
Propose. I’m going to propose to Kitty Verdun! BRASSETT Congratulations, sir. I’ll prepare the invitations. JACK Oh, what would you know about love, Brassett? I’ve never even seen you look at a woman. Ever. BRASSETT Indeed, sir. If you don’t mind, I’m going to book an excursion for myself to Scotland. (Pauses) By the way, Lord Fancourt Babberly is waiting to see you. Shall I ask him to wait? JACK Tell him to go leap off Nuffield College for all I care! (Brassett exits) I have it! (sits at desk, writing furiously.) Jack old bean, you are a genius. She’ll never resist! (Reads from letter.) ‘Dear Kitty.’ What a rousing start! (FANCOURT BABBERLY enters) FANCOURT I say, old cricket, could you lend me a couple of bottles of fizz? I’m having a bit of a do later on. JACK Go away, Babbs. No one likes you. FANCOURT (Laughs in comradely fashion.) Oh, you are a funny one, aren’t you? I’ll just help myself. (Grabs two bottles of champagne.) JACK Take them, take them! Just go away! I’m busy!
Really? Who for? CHARLIE Amy! I’m going to propose to Amy Spettigue! JACK Congrats! I knew you two would eventually get to the point. CHARLIE You don’t understand! She’s leaving for holiday in a few days, and I won’t see her for three whole months! In Scotland! You know what that means? JACK Yes, I do. CHARLIE AND JACK TOGETHER Gingers! CHARLIE So now I have to write this ridiculous letter. (Pulls out paper) Here’s what I’ve written so far. Ahem ‘Dear Amy.’ JACK That’s a silly way to start a letter. (Crosses out ‘Dear Kitty.’) CHARLIE That’s why I need your help! JACK Calm down, old chap. We’ll work through it together. The old Oxford way, Dominus illuminatio mea. CHARLIE You have no idea what that means, do you? JACK
Not a bit. But it sounds bloody brilliant. (Hands Charlie paper and pen) Here, you sit there, I’ll sit here, and we’ll both right the same letter. CHARLIE The same letter? JACK Charlie, we’ve been friends for eight terms. We’re practically the same man. CHARLIE Hardly. You’ve always seemed more… worldly than me. JACK You just need to get out more. Pull that nose out of your book and into a pint of lager. Trust me. I’m your best friend and a genius in the bargain. CHARLIE So how do we start? JACK Let’s see… ‘Dear Kitty…’ CHARLIE But didn’t you just… JACK Shut up and let me think. (Pause) ‘Dear Kitty…’ CHARLIE (Shrugs) ‘Dear Kitty…’ JACK Not that, you idiot! CHARLIE
CHARLIE
Thank you, Brassett. JACK Yes, thank you for doing the job my father pays you far too much to perform. Now shove off! BRASSETT Yes, sir. I’ll just be in the cellar chaining myself to the wall. (Exits) JACK (As Charlie opens the telegram) You really shouldn’t be so friendly with Brassett. He’ll take advantage of you. Next thing you know, he’ll be sitting with you at tea and knicking all the biscuits. (Looks at Charlie.) What’s come over you, old man? You look like you’ve seen Marley’s ghost or something CHARLIE (Dazed) I have an aunt. JACK (Pause) Most people do. Not much to make a fuss over, really. CHARLIE But I’ve never met her before. She left for Brazil when I was just a baby and married some old billionaire, name of Dom Pedro Salvador. JACK Trying to understand the problem. Not quite getting there. CHARLIE She’s arriving this morning at Oxford. (Reads telegram.) ‘My dearest nephew, I so look forward to meeting you for the first time STOP. My husband has passed away, and I have no family in Brazil, apart from a young woman from my husband’s previous marriage STOP. I have long neglected my ancestral country and
seek to become reacquainted with my roots STOP. Will be arriving at Radley Station at ten o’clock STOP. With deepest regards. Donna Lucia Salvador. STOP.’ Jack, I’m going to meet my aunt for the first time. JACK Splendid news, old chap. It hardly solves our own romantic problems, does it? CHARLIE True. But still... we can work on the letter for a little longer before my aunt arrives. JACK Hang on. I have a better idea. (Grabs paper and starts writing furiously.) Brassett! CHARLIE Oh good, you’ve figured out the letter. JACK Hang the letter, man! Why waste time on words when we can use our own natural charm? BRASSETT (Enters) Yes, sir? JACK Take this letter to the Spettigue Manor! And put out settings for lunch. For five people! At once! BRASSETT I shall race like the wind, sir. (Slowly exits and shuts door) CHARLIE What have you done, Jack? JACK
Why not? She’ll be tired after the trip. After the luncheon, you ask her if she like to lie down for a bit. She accepts, we toast her continued health, and woo our respective ladies. CHARLIE But what if she’s not tired? JACK We’ll figure something out. You know me, always thinking on my toes. Just relax, old chap. Let me work out the details. BRASSETT (enters) The messenger is on his way. He was most disagreeable. It cost me an entire schilling. JACK Thank God you had the cash. Make sure to lay out our best for the luncheon. BRASSETT About the luncheon, sir - we’ve run into a bit of a sticky wicket. Apparently, our credit in the kitchen is… somewhat limited. JACK How’s that? You been keeping us paid up, haven’t you? BRASSETT I’m afraid we’ve been deficient in funds since your night out at the Loft last week. JACK Well… try Bunter’s! Our credit is solid there! BRASSETT Your account was closed last month. JACK Hmmm… Charlie, can I borrow your watch?
CHARLIE
(Looking up from his letter) What. Oh, of course. (Hands old fashioned watch-and-chain) JACK Thanks, old man. Here (throws watch to Brassett) See what you can get for that. CHARLIE Jack, that was from my grandfather. JACK Don’t apologize, old things are worth more. (To Brassett) And make sure we have some of those cheesy biscuit things! BRASSETT Of course, sir. (Hangs watch from coat rack) I’ll just put it on my account. Again. JACK And we’ll need six bottles of champagne on ice. BRASSETT (Checking cabinet) We only have four bottles left, sir. JACK What? (Runs to cabinet) Hang it all, I swear I had eight bottles in there only yesterday! CHARLIE Four should be enough, Jack. JACK It is not enough! If we’re going to woo the young ladies as proper British gentlemen, we need to be sloshed. Six bottles, I said! BRASSETT
CHARLIE
Yes… I’m sure a rich woman surrounded by Brazilian men must be lonesome. But who are you thinking of? Brassett? JACK I said young man. Also, we need Brassett to serve luncheon. What we need is someone who is available, attractive in a fashion, and completely unthreatening to the opposite sex. (Fancourt enters with crate holding the crate with the bottles of champagne.) FANCOURT I say, old cricket, would you happen to have any more fizz? This isn’t going to last. (Jack and Charlie look at each other.) CHARLIE You’re not thinking what I’m thinking, are you? JACK Damned right I am. (Pause) Babbs knicked my extra bottles of champagne! (Jack leaps upon Babbs, trying to wrestle the champagne away from him. Charlie intervenes, trying to separate the two. Somehow, Babbs becomes tangled up in his own suspenders. Brassett enters as Jack, Charlie, and Babbs lay tangled on the floor, each holding bottles of champagne) BRASSETT Ah. I believe I’ve solved the champagne shortage, sir. (Takes two bottles from Babbs. As he exits.) Also, Miss Spettigue and Miss Verdun report that they would be delighted to attend a luncheon at one o’clock. Miss Spettigue, in particular, relayed her fervent desire to meet Mr. Wykeham’s aunt. (Exits) JACK
(untangles self) There! I told you that it would work. Now all we have to do is find a strapping young man to sacrifice to your doddering old aunt! CHARLIE (Stands and brushes self off) Thank heavens you weren’t thinking what I was thinking! (Glances significantly at Babbs, who’s still trying to untangle self.) JACK Yes, thank God! Hold on – what were you thinking? CHARLIE Oh, nothing. FANCOURT Look here, I don’t think you understand my need for that fizz. The ATC can’t function without a little motivation! The whole affair depends on me! (Long pause as Jack figures it out, staring at Babbs) JACK Yes, it does! CHARLIE Oh no. JACK Babbs, old chap, we’ve heard about your tremendous acting chops. FANCOURT Have you? Well… jolly good. CHARLIE Jack… JACK
(Both look at Babbs, who’s quietly amusing himself with silly finger games. Babbs notices them and waves happily.) CHARLIE She’s old enough to be his mother. JACK He doesn’t have to propose to her. Just keep her amused. CHARLIE Not a chance. You know how I want to help, old man, but… JACK Charlie, old bean, unless you can think of some other available man to keep your aunt occupied, this is it. CHARLIE (Reluctant) Alright. JACK Good man. (Puts arm around Babbs) Babbs, old chap, I have just the right acting gig for you to hone your skills on. FANCOURT Sounds smashing! What do I have to do? JACK Well, Charlie and I are entertaining guests at one o’clock, and Charlie’s aunt will be here. FANCOURT I didn’t know you have an aunt, old whippet. CHARLIE Most people do. Not much to make a fuss over. JACK
Anyway, Charlie’s aunt – Donna Lucia Salvador – is simply bonkers over amateur theatrics. FANCOURT I say! I think I could help you there! JACK I don’t know… she would only be interested in the best displays of thespian ingenuity. FANCOURT Thespian? I’m sorry to burst your bubble, old chipper, but I’m strictly a lady’s man. JACK (Slowly, as if to a child.) Thespian. It means actor. FANCOURT (Relieved) Oh! I was wondering. Some of the club members had called themselves that. I thought it a bit frisky of them, even in this day and age. JACK Anyway, we’ll see you at one o’clock and make the introductions. FANCOURT I can’t wait to tell the chaps at the Club. My very first acting engagement! (Scurries away just as Brassett enters) BRASSETT The luncheon is being prepared as we speak. Shall I chill the champagne now? JACK (Sarcastic) No, let’s wait until Christmas for the Queen’s speech. BRASSETT
