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CH A PTER 9
Advanced Interpersonal
Effectiveness Skills
This chapter contains all the applied skills of interpersonal effectiveness. Learning and practicing these skills will change your life because you’ll have far less conflict and far more rewards in your relationships. Your connections to people will feel different—more satisfying than frustrating and more supportive than depriving. In this chapter, you’ll learn the following specific skills:
Knowing what you want
Modulating intensity
Making a simple request
Making basic assertiveness scripts
Using assertive listening skills
Saying no
Coping with resistance and conflict
Negotiating
Analyzing problem interactions
KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT
Interpersonal effectiveness has to begin with self-knowledge. You need to be clear about what you feel and want. Chapters 6 and 7 on emotion regulation will give you words for the nuances
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of what you feel and techniques to classify the emotion. For our purposes here, you can identify emotions through a simple decision-making process called a decision tree. It starts with the basic questions—is the feeling good or bad, painful or pleasurable? If the feeling is good, is it more like satisfaction, excitement, sexual attraction, love/affection, contentment, joy, pleasant anticipation, interest, or satiety? If the feeling is bad, is it more like anxiety, fear, anger, resentment, sadness, grief/loss, hurt, anger or disgust with oneself, embarrassment/shame, guilt, yearning/deprivation, or loneliness/emptiness? The decision tree looks like this:
EMOTIONS
Good Bad
Satisfaction Anxiety (for the future)
Excitement Fear (of something now)
Sexual attraction Anger
Love/affection Resentment
Contentment Sadness
Joy Grief/loss
Pleasant anticipation Hurt
Interest Anger or disgust with oneself
Satiety Embarrassment/shame
Guilt
Yearning/deprivation
Loneliness/emptiness
Allan, for example, was aware that something felt wrong in his relationship with his father. When he looked at the list of feelings, the one that seemed closest was hurt—with a little bit of resentment. Allan could tell it somehow related to his father’s planned visit. The man was coming to town with his new wife. Yet, in five days of sightseeing, his dad had scheduled just a single dinner with Allan. Once you can put words to what you feel, the next question becomes, what does this emotion make you want to change? And, more specifically, what is the behavior of others that you want to modify? Do you want them to do more or less of something? Do you want something to stop? Do you want new behavior that could make a difference in how you feel? Now think about the behavior change in specific terms. When and where do you want to see this change? How often? What exactly would the new behavior look like? Now let’s condense this process into a series of steps.
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To remind you of your value and importance as a human being, we’d like you to review the following list of legitimate rights (adapted from McKay et al., 1983).
YOUR LEGITIMATE RIGHTS
- You have a right to need things from others.
- You have a right to put yourself first sometimes.
- You have a right to feel and express your emotions or your pain.
- You have the right to be the final judge of your beliefs and accept them as legitimate.
- You have the right to your opinions and convictions.
- You have the right to your experience—even if it’s different from that of other people.
- You have a right to protest any treatment or criticism that feels bad to you.
- You have a right to negotiate for change.
- You have a right to ask for help, emotional support, or anything else you need (even though you may not always get it).
- You have a right to say no; saying no doesn’t make you bad or selfish.
- You have a right not to justify yourself to others.
- You have a right not to take responsibility for someone else’s problem.
- You have a right to choose not to respond to a situation.
- You have a right, sometimes, to inconvenience or disappoint others.
Put the rights that are most important or liberating to you on a file card, and tape it some- place where you’ll see it frequently, like your bathroom mirror, in order to remind yourself.
MODULATING INTENSITY
How you ask for things depends on the situation. The intensity and level of insistence can vary based on two major factors:
- How urgent is my need? Low urgency 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 High urgency
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- How vulnerable is the other person or the relationship? Very vulnerable 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Not vulnerable
Notice that you can assess each of these variables with a ten-point scale. The higher the total number, the more forceful it’s appropriate to be. The lower the number, the more moderate and gentle you should be.
Exercise: Modulating Intensity
Think of some recent situations where you’ve needed another person to change. Evaluate them using these two key questions and the scoring method. What can you learn about the appropriate level of intensity and pressure? Did you use too much—or too little—in certain situations? Imagine what might have happened if you’d adjusted the intensity of your request based on (1) the urgency of need and (2) the level of vulnerability criteria. Ask yourself these two questions during every situation where you need to express yourself. While you may not always have the time or inclination to use the 1 to 10 rating system, remem- bering “how urgent?” and “how vulnerable?” can help you make split-second decisions about how much strength, hardness, and volume to put into your voice. During this exercise, Rachel evaluated some problematic discussions with her husband. One, in particular, had been very frustrating because she wanted him to attend a parent-teacher confer- ence that was scheduled for 3:00—a time when he’d have to miss work. Her husband refused. But their son was having reading problems, and Rachel rated the urgency at an 8, while her husband’s vulnerability was rated 7—not very vulnerable. Rachel realized that her gentle, easygoing approach had been a mistake.
MAKING A SIMPLE REQUEST
The skill of making a request is necessary to taking care of yourself. Asking for directions, asking to change tables at a restaurant, asking your mechanic to show you the parts he replaced on your car, asking someone not to smoke in your house—these requests are all about self-protection and quality of life. If you have trouble making such requests, you can easily end up feeling helpless or resentful. There are four components to a brief request:
- A brief justification (optional). Explain in one sentence what the problem is. “It’s hot in here … These bags are heavy … It’s a long way to walk … These seem a little tight.” Many situations don’t need any justification; when they do, keep it simple.
- A softening statement. This is an important piece because it establishes you as a reason- able person who’s polite and nondemanding. Softening statements often start like this.
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Exercise: Making a Simple Request
If you sometimes find making requests challenging, you can practice in lots of everyday situations. Try some of these suggestions:
On the street: Asking for the time, for directions, where someone bought a particu- lar article of clothing, for change.
In stores: Asking to examine merchandise, for information (for example, a return policy), to see something less expensive or in a different color, for advice regarding a purchase (for example, “Do these colors go together?”), for change.
At work: Asking for information, for a little bit of help, for an extended deadline, for a moment of someone’s time, for an opinion.
At home: Asking for a change in schedule, for assistance, for time together, for help changing the environment (“Would you mind if we moved this chair to the kitchen?”).
With friends and family: Asking for a favor, for time, for a ride, for someone to stop something that’s annoying.
With a teacher or therapist: Asking for information, for help with a problem, for advice.
If you plan to work on this skill, choose one of the above options (or develop ones of your own) to work on each day. Either at breakfast or just before going to bed, identify the next day’s challenge. Decide on the time and situation in which you plan to practice. Write it in your calendar to help you remember. Then do it.
ASSERTIVENESS SCRIPTS
As you read in the last chapter, assertiveness is a critical skill to maintaining healthy relationships. Without it, you’ll be forced into passive or aggressive patterns that destroy the fabric of trust and intimacy. Assertiveness is most easily learned by using a simple script. It will help you give structure to what you want to say and keep you focused. A script also has the advantage of permitting you to develop a statement in advance, practicing it by yourself or with someone you trust, and finally (at a time you choose) delivering it with greater confidence. There are three basic components to an assertiveness statement and one optional component.
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- “I think.” This part focuses on the facts and your understanding of what’s going on. It should not include judgments or assumptions about the other person’s motives. It should not in any way attack. “I think” is a clear description of events and experiences that you need to talk about—and perhaps change. Here are some examples:
“I think we haven’t spent much time together lately—two nights last week, one the week before.”
“You’ve billed me for a repair I didn’t authorize.”
“Looking back at the recent past, I think you’ve been late for the majority of our meetings.”
“I'm getting back from the airport late—around 11:00 o’clock—and …”
Notice that there isn’t much hint of emotion in these statements, and there’s no disapproval in the statement of facts.
- “I feel.” This is an optional component that you’d likely use with a friend or family member but not with your garage mechanic. The purpose is to give a brief, nonpejora- tive description of any emotion triggered by the situation. Communication specialists call this component of assertiveness the “I” statement. That’s because it’s about you and your particular feelings. Appropriately, any sentence about your emotions should start with “I.”
“I feel scared.”
“I feel lonely.”
“Lately, I feel sad about us.”
“I feel hurt, with a twinge of giving up.”
“I feel kind of lost and invisible and more and more disconnected.”
“I feel rejected.”
“I feel hopeful but nervous.”
Each example, while naming feelings of varied complexity, never makes the other person bad or wrong. That doesn’t work—it just makes people defensive and less willing to give you anything. Accusations and blame statements often start with the word “you”—so they’re called “you” statements.
“You’re hurting me.”
“You don’t care about us.”
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“If you can’t leave for the party on time, I’ll take my own car.”
“If you can’t help with the cleaning, I’ll hire a maid and we’ll divide that expense.”
“If you can’t find a way to keep the party noise down, I’ll ask the police to help you.”
“If you want to drive without insurance, I’ll transfer the title to your name and you can take over the payments as well.”
None of these self-care solutions are designed to hurt the other person; they’re about protecting your rights and taking care of your own needs.
Integrating the Components of Being Assertive
Now, let’s integrate the components of an assertive statement so you can see how they fit together. Here are some examples:
EXAMPLE
I think: It’s been three years since we’ve had a cost-of-living raise, and prices have increased more than 10 percent in that time.
I feel: I feel left out, because the company’s doing well and I’m not participating in that.
I want: I’d like a 10 percent cost-of-living adjustment soon so my income can keep pace with inflation.
Self-care: If we can’t work this out, I’m going to have to look for something else so I can better support my family.
EXAMPLE
I think: I’ve been working against a deadline tonight and haven’t had time to cook dinner.
I feel: I’m pretty anxious and overwhelmed that I might not get this done.
I want: Could you whip something together from leftovers so I can keep going?
Self-care: If that doesn’t work for you, I can order a pizza.
One way to use your self-care solution is to hold it in reserve—only using it if the other person refuses your preferred solution. Saving the “big guns” for later is often an effective strategy.
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Exercise: Developing Your Own Assertiveness Scripts
Now it’s time to practice developing your own scripts. Start with identifying three situations in which something feels wrong and you want things to change. Write the information down in the space provided.
PROBLEM
- The problem:
- What I want changed:
PROBLEM
- The problem:
- What I want changed:
PROBLEM
- The problem:
- What I want changed:
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I want:
How I’ll take care of myself:
ASSERTIVE LISTENING
Everyone knows that good communication is a two-way street. But what a lot of people don’t know is that listening is an active rather than passive process. It requires a full commitment to really understand what the other person thinks and feels about the problem, and wants to do to change it. In other words, the same three things you’re learning to express assertively, you’ll also need to listen for and elicit with questions. If, while listening, you have any uncertainty about the other person’s feelings or wishes, ask a direct question. “I’m not really sure how you feel about that—could you tell me more?” “What do you think we should try to change in this situation?” The more active your questions, the more you learn and the better equipped you’ll be to find solutions and compromises that serve both people’s needs. Key questions to ask others are as follows:
“What’s the central problem, as you understand it?”
“How do you make sense of the situation? What do you think’s happening?”
“When you’re struggling with ( name the problem ) , how does it make you feel?”
“When you’re dealing with ( name the problem ) , what does it make you want to do?”
“What do you think needs to change?”
“What would you like me to do to help with this?”
For example, Ron noticed that a coworker seemed irritated with a new order-processing system Ron had just initiated. When Ron asked, “What do you think needs to change?” he got a wealth of helpful feedback, and the whole emotional climate changed. Assertive listening is extremely valuable, but remember—just because you found out what someone needs, it doesn’t mean you have to give it to them.
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Blocks to Listening
Here are ten ways that people sabotage their effective listening abilities (adapted from McKay et al., 1983). Right now, put a check ( 9 ) by the listening blocks you’re aware of using. But don’t judge yourself—everybody does some of this.
Mind reading: Assuming you know what the other person feels and thinks—without asking.
Rehearsing: Planning what you want to say next and missing what’s being said now.
Filtering: Listening only to things that are important or relevant to you and ignoring the rest (even if it’s important to the other person).
Judging: Evaluating the other person and what they say rather than really trying to understand how they see the world.
Daydreaming: Getting caught in memories or fantasies while someone is talking to you.
Advising: Looking for suggestions and solutions instead of listening and understanding.
Sparring: Invalidating the other person by arguing and debating.
Being right: Resisting or ignoring any communication that suggests you are wrong or should change.
Derailing: Flat out changing the subject as soon as you hear anything that bothers or threatens you.
Placating: Agreeing too quickly (“I know … You’re right … I’m sorry”) without really listening to the other person’s feelings or concerns.
Exercise: Listening Blocks
In the left-hand column of the following table, describe three situations where communications broke down between you and someone else. In the right-hand column, see if you can identify at least one of the listening blocks that kept you from hearing or understanding everything that was said.
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“I can see why you want to go late, out of the hot sun, but I’m not comfortable trying to stay up so long after my bedtime.”
Notice that the key phrases are “I’d prefer” and “I’m not comfortable.” You don’t offer a lot of justification for your position; you don’t argue. You just validate and decline. The important thing is not giving the other person anything to use against you. No one can really argue with preferences or feelings.
Exercise: Building an Assertive Hierarchy
Learning assertiveness (including saying no) takes practice and willingness to take some risks. But you need to get your feet wet in low-risk situations, then work toward more anxiety-provoking encounters. Make a list of situations where you want to make a change, say no, or set limits. Include problems with family, friends, people who work for or with you, authorities, and so on. Now rank the list from 1 to 10 in terms of risk and difficulty, with 1 being the least challenging and 10 being the most challenging situation.
ASSERTIVE SITUATION HIERARCHY
Rank Situation
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Now start with the lowest-ranked situations and do four things:
- Write your script (“I think … I feel … I want”).
- Rehearse your script.
- Identify the time and place you want to use it.
- Commit yourself to making your assertive statement on a specific date.
When you’ve completed your first assertive goal, evaluate what worked and what needs improve- ment. For example, do you need to be firmer, with less arguing or excuse making? Whatever you learned from your first step, incorporate it into the preparations for the second-ranked situation. Keep moving up the hierarchy. As you do, you’ll find your confidence and skill growing. And your relationships will become gradually more rewarding.
COPING WITH RESISTANCE AND CONFLICT
We looked earlier at how to improve your ability to hear others. But what happens if someone isn’t listening to you? The answer is in the following five conflict management skills:
- Mutual validation
- Broken record
- Probing
- Clouding (assertive agreement)
- Assertive delay
Mutual Validation
When people aren’t listening to you, one of the most common reasons is that they feel invali- dated. They don’t experience that they’re being heard, so they keep pouring on their arguments and assertions. You can short-circuit the problem with mutual validation. Validating someone doesn’t mean agreeing with them. It means, instead, that you understand their needs , feelings , and motivations. You get it—you see how the other person could think and feel that way. Thus mutual validation means you acknowledge and appreciate their experience, you under- stand where they’re coming from, and then you validate your own experience as well. Here are some examples:
“ I understand that it’s scary to take a financial risk like this; you have every right to be cautious. On my end , I feel a pressure to make some higher-yield investments so
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Probing
The key phrase here is this:
“What is it about ( name the situation ) that bothers you?”
Just keep asking it until you get something useful. For example, let’s return to a previous example of a person who was accused of not pulling his weight. Imagine that you were criticized in that way. Here’s how probing could help you.
Critic : You’re not pulling your weight around here.
You : What is it about my work that bothers you?
Critic : Everybody else is working overtime. You waltz out every night at 5:00.
You : What is it that bothers you about me leaving the office on time?
Critic : The work has to be done. I’m responsible to see that it is. And you just work by the clock.
You : What is it that bothers you when I work by the clock?
Critic : Somebody else has to finish your work—often me. I want you to stay till it’s done.
You : I appreciate your explaining to me.
If you wish to probe with more varied questions, review the sample queries in the Assertive Listening section.
Clouding
This technique allows you to “agree in part” with someone without accepting that everything they say is true. This calms people down and stops the win/lose arguing game. The key is to find some part of what’s being said that you can accept and then to acknowledge that the other person is right about that. Ignore the rest of their argument. One way to agree is to modify words of sheer exaggeration, such as “always” and “never.”
EXAMPLE
Critic : You always get pissed off over little things.
You : It’s true, there are times I find myself getting irritated.
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EXAMPLE
Critic : You never support me when I need something.
You : It’s true, there have been several times when I couldn’t completely support what you were asking.
Notice how clouding steals your critic’s thunder and neutralizes his or her argument. Now the door is open to real negotiation of legitimate, yet very different needs.
Assertive Delay
This technique gives you room to wait, particularly when things threaten to get hot and angry. People will often pressure you to make a decision or agree with a plan right away. Assertive delay allows you to take a break—whether for a few minutes or several hours. During the interval, you can calm down, think carefully about what’s being said, and prepare a good response. “You’ve told me a lot, and I need time to sift through and see what I think.” “Give me an hour. This is important, and I want to think carefully before I say anything.”
HOW TO NEGOTIATE
When a conflict arises that requires negotiation between you and someone else, you need to start from the position that each of you has valid needs. The RAVEN checklist will keep you on track.
RAVEN stands for the following:
R elax. Accept conflict calmly. Take a deep breath before you say the next thing. Release tension as you exhale.
A void the aversive. Keep in mind the aversive strategies you might be tempted to use, and monitor what you say in order to avoid them.
V alidate the other person’s need or concern. Focus on a fair, mutually agreeable outcome where both people can get some of their needs met.
E xamine your values. How do you want to be treated in a relationship—how do you want to treat others? What do you want to achieve, not only regarding the conflict, but in this relationship?
N eutral voice. Keep anger and contempt out of your voice.
Once you’re committed to staying within the RAVEN guidelines, it’s time to start the actual negotiation process. It begins by each person taking turns and offering solutions. Make sure that a
