Relationship workbook, Ejercicios de Psicología

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Permission is not required for personal or professional use, such as in a coaching- or classroom setting.

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Using the tools

This product contains 3 different positive relationship tools. Each tool is structured in the same way, consisting of a background section, a goal description, advice for using the exercise and suggested readings. On the first page of every tool, a legend is shown, consisting of several icons:

▪ The first icon displays the main category the tool belongs to. ▪ The second icon shows the type of tool. The following options are available:

» Exercise (a tool that describes an activity that is done once, during a session) » Assessment (a tool that aims to assess a trait or characteristic of a person) » Overview (a tool that provides an overview or list of something; research findings, facts, etc.) » Advice (a tool that is directed at the helping professional providing advice on how to carry out a certain activity) » Meditation (a tool that describes a form of meditation) » Intervention (a tool that describes an activity that needs to be done more than once during a certain period)

▪ The third icon provides an estimation of the duration of the tool. In other words, how long it takes to complete the exercise. This is always an estimation of the total time it takes. Note that for some tool types, like overview, advice, protocol and intervention it is difficult if not impossible to provide an estimation of the duration. In these cases n/a (not available) is written. ▪ The fourth icon describes the intended audience for this tool; available options include client, coach or group. ▪ The last icon indicates whether this specific tool has been tested at least once in a scientific study and has been published in a peer reviewed journal (yes or no). Note that if there is a strong theoretical and scientifically tested basis underlying the tool, but the tool itself in its current form has not been directly addressed in research, the icon will still indicate “no”.

Important note

Please note that the tools in this give-away are not a substitute for a clinical or coaching certification

program, which we recommend you take before you call yourself an official “therapist” or “coach” and before you see clients or patients.

Note that you are advised to use these tools within the boundaries of your professional expertise. For instance, if you are a certified clinician, you are advised to use the exercises within your field of expertise (e.g. clinical psychology). Likewise, a school teacher may use the exercises in the classroom, but is not advised to use the exercises for clinical populations. Positive Psychology B.V. is not responsible for unauthorized usage of these tools.

Goal

This exercise aims to help clients strengthen relationships and connect with others through honest and personal verbal self-disclosure.

Advice

■ (^) Clients need to realize that expressing vulnerability must occur selectively. While it is likely that being overly reluctant to reveal vulnerability will make it difficult to establish new relationships and deepen intimacy, blindly expressing one’s weak spots will also not contribute to the formation of positive relationships. Rather, vulnerability should be expressed to those with whom one has an actual or potential communal relationship because these recipients are most likely to welcome and respond to one’s disclosure. Moreover, the magnitude of vulnerability should be in line with the strength of the relationship with the other person or the other person’s desires. Expressing minor rather than major insecurities to someone the client just met is likely to be more appropriate. More serious vulnerabilities can be shared as relationships develop.

■ (^) Participants should be informed that they are allowed to quit the exercise at any given moment.

■ (^) It may feel uncomfortable at first; however, clients should try to make eye contact with their partner during the exercise. While sharing eye contact is a powerful social stimulus that signals their direction of attention, the avoidance of eye contact is a classic self-defense mechanism that may foster a sense of disconnection.

■ (^) Self-disclosure works best when it is reciprocal. Upon completion of the exercise, invite pairs to switch roles so that the Speaker becomes the Listener and vice versa and repeat the exercise. ■ (^) A selection of Self-Disclosure Question Cards can be found in the Appendix. These cards should be printed out and given to the Speaker to select questions for the Listener to ask. The Speaker must select questions that he or she wants to answer, not the Listener. The Speaker may feel that some questions are too personal for the level of familiarity with the Listener or maybe uncomfortable sharing certain details.

■ (^) Clients may find the experience of vulnerability to be an uncomfortable one. However, this exercise is about accepting this discomfort and accepting how it feels to be vulnerable. As clients become accustomed to the sensations associated with self- disclosure and feeling vulnerable, they will increase their capacity for vulnerability. If clients feel overwhelmed at any point during the exercise, they should be encouraged to spend a few moments focusing on their breathing and the sensations in their body before returning their attention back to the exercise.

References

■ (^) Clark, M.S., Ouellette, R., Powell, M.C., & Milberg, S. (1987). Recipient’s mood, relationship type, and helping. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 53, 94-103.

■ (^) Collins, N. L., & Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure and liking: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 116, 457-475.

■ (^) Graham, S. M., Huang, J., Clark, M. S., & Helgeson, V. (2008). The positives of negative emotion: Willingness to express negative emotions promotes relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 34, 394-406.

■ (^) Laurenceau, J.-P., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (1998). Intimacy as an interpersonal process: The importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness in interpersonal exchanges. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74, 1238-1251.

■ (^) Rogers, C. (1951). Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications, and theory. Constable.

■ (^) Rogers, C. R. (1961). On Becoming a person: A psychotherapist’s view of psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.

■ (^) Shimanoff, S. B. (1987). Types of emotional disclosures and request compliance between spouses. Communication Monographs, 54, 85-100.

Step 2: Evaluating your experience of self-disclosure

Now that you have fulfilled your role as a Speaker or Listener, it is time to reflect on your experience. Below you can find a set of questions for each partner to answer. Take some time to consider these questions and answer honestly.

Evaluation questions for the Speaker

How did it feel to share your personal stories with the Listener?

Did you share things about your life that you might not have done previously?

What did you find most difficult to share?

Has this exercise changed the closeness you feel towards the Listener?

You will now switch roles with your partner and repeat the exercise.

Evaluation questions for the Listener

How did it feel to listen to the Speaker?

What did you learn about the Speaker that you did not know before?

Do you share any of the experiences described by the Speaker?

Has this exercise changed the closeness you feel towards the Speaker?

You will now switch roles with your partner and repeat the exercise.

Appendix: Self-Disclosure Question Cards

Can you tell me about an event in the past

that made you feel ashamed?

Have you ever felt like you disappointed

yourself? Why?

What is one thing that would make you

happy, but you refuse to do it because

you are worried about what other

people would say?

When was the last time you felt alone?

What is the worst way someone has ever

hurt you?

What is the biggest risk you have ever

taken? Did it work out as you had hoped?

What worries you the most at the moment? What has been your biggest struggle in life?

If you could live your life over again,

what one thing would you change?

What is one thing that frightens you about

the future?

When was the last time you felt like

everything was out of control?

How do you feel when someone

dislikes you?

What decision do you wish you had

never made?

What has been the most embarrassing thing

to happen to you?

What are you scared of? If you could change anything about yourself,

what would it be, and why?

When was the last time you thought,

“I’m not good enough”?

What seems easy for everybody else but

not for you?

What is your biggest regret? What is something you are really bad at?

What has been your biggest challenge

in life?

Tell me something about yourself that not

many people know.

What is one thing that makes you

feel insecure?

What is the silliest mistake you have

ever made?

When was the last time you felt angry?

What happened?

Think of a time when you felt nervous or

anxious about something. What happened?

What is the biggest change you would like

to make in your life right now?

Do you have a dream that you have

given up on?

If so, why?

Has someone you trusted with personal

information ever violated that trust?

What happened?

Have you ever unfairly judged someone only

to discover that you were wrong?

Identifying our Expert Companions

The term expert companion emphasizes the view that both professional expertise and human companionship are essential for those seeking help and growth after seismic life events or trauma (Calhoun & Tedeschi, 2013). When working with individuals who require assistance with recovery, an expert companion serves as a facilitator of growth rather than a creator of growth; and yet an expert companion does not necessarily need to be a trained professional.

While professional expertise is crucial for the treatment of clients seeking help in challenging times, without companionship, such expertise can be hollow. Indeed, untrained individuals can play a significant role as expert companions and are routinely able to serve in this role when they possess good listening skills, patience, acceptance, and humility: many of the same qualities used to describe effective therapeutic relating (Calhoun & Tedeschi, 2013).

An expert companion first and foremost assumes the role of a non-judgemental listener who does not feel compelled to give advice, rather they support the idiosyncratic ways people cope with negative life experiences. Simply put, expert companionship is a type of social support from a trusted individual who is adept at providing compassion and understanding, and open to hearing about experiences that need to be shared (Tedeschi & Moore, 2016). In doing so, the expert companion supports the development of a new narrative which validates experiences and reconnects individuals with their strengths and previously held values (Butera-Prinzi et al., 2014).

Although there may be times when an expert companion is more active in providing assistance, they are proficient in allowing the individual to just be , accepting a mostly passive role and offering ideas from a different perspective without judgement or expectations regarding pace or progress, and without attempting to solve all the client’s problems (Tedeschi & Moore, 2016). At its simplest, a non-professional expert companion can support the development of new narratives and, in doing so, nurture the process of healing and growth in the aftermath of negative life events.

This exercise is designed to help clients discover what they need from an expert companion, how to identify potential expert companions among the variety of people they know, and how to invite others to be an expert companion.

Author

This tool was created by Elaine Houston.

Exercise

Relationships

n/a

Client

No

References

■ (^) Butera-Prinzi, F., Charles, N. & Story, K. (2014). Narrative family therapy and group work for families living with acquired brain injury. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 35, 81-99.

■ (^) Calhoun, L.G. & Tedeschi, R.G. (2013). Posttraumatic growth in clinical practice. New York, NY: Routledge.

■ (^) Tedeschi, R. G. & Moore, V.A. (2016). The posttraumatic growth workbook: coming through trauma wiser, stronger, and more resilient. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

■ (^) Tedeschi, R.G., Blevins, C.L., & Riffle, O.M. (2017). Posttraumatic growth: a brief history and evaluation. In M.A. Warren & S.I. Donaldson (Eds.) Scientific advances in positive psychology (pp.131-164). Santa Barbara: Praeger.

Identifying our Expert Companions

Step 1: Explain the term expert companion

An expert companion is someone who can help you get through difficult times. In many ways, an expert companion is the most valuable person in your support network: they take care of your emotional needs and offer the kind of support that truly makes a difference when times are hard.

Having an expert companion means having someone with whom you feel comfortable sharing your problems and know that you will not be judged. They are patient and treat you with respect and compassion, while offering ideas from a fresh point of view without trying to solve your problems for you. It is important to remember that expert companionship is all about the quality of your companions - not how many you have.

This exercise will help you identify the characteristics you need from an expert companion, the people in your network who are your expert companions, and the most suitable expert companion for your current needs.

Step 2: Identify what you need in an expert companion

People need different things from an expert companion. In fact, what you need may change over time and you may need different kinds of support from your expert companion at different times. This exercise will help you discover the characteristics you need from such a person.

Perhaps what you need is an expert companion who is compassionate and sensitive to your needs, or who motivates, encourages, and believes in your potential, or who listens patiently and provides guidance without judgment. Think of occasions when you felt understood, respected, and supported by someone. Who provided this support? How did that person make you feel? What specific things did they do or say that gave you the feeling of being understood?

Take some time to think about the characteristics that you need from an expert companion, write these in the table below.

WHAT DO I NEED FROM AN EXPERT COMPANION?