Am I pathetic? Will I ever be successful?
This morning, I did something really terrible and possibly illegal. I have forensics, and we were using these forensics dummies. The forensics dummy was a girl. Anyways, this morning, I was in the room alone with her and I put on a condom and began to put my dick through a hole where the vagina should be. I stopped before I could ejaculate and I put her back where I found her, because I realized I was losing control. I didn't get caught, but I feel very ashamed of myself and I feel like this reflects my loneliness and the fact that I might never have sex with a real person in my life. It also reflects that my mind could be becoming more unstable all the time. You can berate me all you want, but I feel like the world's worst loser and I don't know if there's hope.
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My dad died, my mom beat me, my sister ran away, among normal 'depressing things', I nearly failed (key word-nearly) a lot of classes through the first half of high school and b/c of laziness not home). But I kept signing up for the hardest classes. And you know why? Because I knew, even when everyone else thought I was going to fall down that hole, that I wouldn't. I knew I was going to make the greatest comeback ever and impress everyone. And I am. All I did was once school started and I made my study plans, I did it. When it was late at night, instead of sleeping, I talked myself out of it and told myseld not this year. When I got home I was so scared I would slack off, I went right to work. So my point is when you want to change, it's about doing not thinking.
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